Before I share this story I must add the disclaimer that I sat on it for some days hoping to do it justice. I fear I haven’t been able to tie the miscellaneous experiences together as coherantly as well as they fell together in my head.  I decided to forego compositional perfection and just write.  My excuse for random thoughts is that the number of children now officially exceeds the number of hours I sleep at night lol! 

  I recently came across an old friend in the thrift store. Not the flesh and blood type, but rather the kind you find between the covers of a well-loved book. I had first stumbled across this book, Plain and Simple, when we were relatively new parents. Our first two boys were itty bitty and we lived in tight government quarters. All the while I was yearning to be elsewhere. When I saw the Amish quilt on the cover I grabbed it. I was hungry for any snippet of simple rural living. I realize now I missed a good portion of the author’s message and instead of taking her intent to heart, it just fed my discontent. This would plague us for years to come. Ironically, now that we do live rurally the book has resurfaced in my life and its message is very clear. It was never about where you were, it was about where your heart was. 

   Sue Bender was an artist, a counselor, a wife and mother, suffering from another kind of discontent – a restless search for purpose – when she saw her first Amish quilt in a dept. store display. She found its disciplined geometrics and color scheme haunting. The urge to learn more about the women who created such puzzling beauty finally propelled her to take a trip through Lancaster County. Discouraged by the tourism she drove further on to Amish settlements in the Midwest. There she met the people who would come to shape her future. 

   She contracted two women to make her some faceless Amish dolls. This led to several other women’s contributions and many letters exchanged. The dolls and the quilts began to symbolize for her the difference between their lives and hers.  Eventually her drive to understand and articulate led to an unlikely invitation to stay with an Amish family for several weeks. This book lays out the discoveries she made, discoveries with unexpected ramifications for city dwellers.

   She expected to come away from her journey telling people to move to the country and lose their appliances and all would be well.  However the message she left with was not where to be, nor what to be doing, but how to look at the ‘where’ and the ‘what’. It was about how to “be” and making peace with our place in life. She found the Amish quilt patterns to be a metaphor, both for their way of life and for the lessons she left there with.

   One of her most important insights was that the Amish seemed not to differentiate between work and play. She writes. “Noone rushed. Each step was done with care.  The women moved through the day unhurried.  There was no rushing to finish so they could get on to the “important things”. For them, it was all important…”  This was a sharp departure from her struggle to get through the monotonous, drudge type work in her life so she could do the really ‘fun’ activities. As a result, she spent her days suspended in a sort of futile desperation, fighting the necessaries and longing for the payback.

   An insightful artist friend explained to her that, “If accomplishing is the only goal, all that is takes to reach that goal is too slow, too fatiguing- an obstacle to what you want to achieve.”  Pg 85  This was all too true. He also pointed out that the source of the discontent was not the necessary work itself but the struggle against it, “Argue your limitations and they are yours.”

  They were certainly mine for way too many years as I fought long and hard against the limitations of our place in life. I was unhappy with our urban homes and our transient lifestyle. I felt hemmed in by the chores that never seemed to be completed to my satisfaction. This led to resentment towards my husband and though I didn’t admit it then, likely resentment towards God for not making another way. It was such a wasted opportunity because as long as my happiness depended upon our circumstances it would remain fleeting and just out of reach. That discontent would follow us to our rural home and to the incredible workload we found here.

   We had to learn to love the work, to love the limitations that every place and time impose upon us. We had to learn to let go of all the options that were no longer ours because of the choices we had made. Only then could we really thrive.

  Interestingly, Bender found that embracing a characteristically Montessori principle was key to her own happiness, “Having limits, subtracting distractions, making a commitment to do what you do well, brings a new kind of intensity.” Pg 140 She learned that the real message was not the quest for a different life but rather a different view of the life she had, “I found no shortcuts. Satisfaction came from giving up wishing I was doing something else.” Pg 121

   This would be true for us as well. Whether we are homemakers or have careers outside the home, we are tempted to covet.  There is always a more attractive pastime waiting in the wings to call our attention away from the task at hand, making demands upon our peacefulness. Even now I find myself tempted to rush along to the next thing. It was my six year old Aidan, who reminded me of that error the other day, as I urged him not to waste time and to ‘move along’. I can’t even remember now what he was doing because his reply went straight to my heart. He said, “But I am not wasting time, I am spending time.”  Out of the mouths of babes. 

  Bender found that Amish children, like Montessori children, share this outlook, “A child learns from an early age the value of work – that work is enjoyable, important, and should be respected.” She found this attitude is carried with them to adulthood, “The Amish find meaning in work itself.  Work is never a stepping stone to success or advancement but a challenge to do whatever you are doing to the best of your ability.”   Pg 61

   This was not about rushing to get to the good stuff.  It was about making all of life the good stuff by giving it your undivided attention, which is ultimately the only way to truly find satisfaction in your tasks. This wasn’t any easy transition for an adult who had been conditioned to think otherwise. She relates, “I whined, kicked, and screamed, and persisted.  Sticking with something for a long period of time, the day in and day out doing it, the living with it, was teaching me humility and patience I hadn’t known before.”

   This would be our experience as well. We learned we could fight the limitations of this way of life or we could let those limitations teach us contentment, patience, and the true gift of finding joy in all circumstances as St Paul advises us to do.

   Elizabeth Elliot says this about suffering: “–it’s having what you don’t want or wanting what you don’t have.” As long as we continue to fight against those things we lock ourselves into suffering. If we can embrace our circumstances and all the mundane tasks that fill our days as the will of God we can release that suffering and find the joy God intended for us. The “Plain and Simple” message was less about a particular group of people or an antiquated way of life and more about acceptance and making peace. I hope to, someday, embody those principles as well as my six year old already does! 

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body." -Elizabeth Stone

Another child of ours reaches legal adulthood. Zach turned 18 this week. I have discovered that if you look away for just a moment they have a tendency to do that. Here is a snapshot from the birthday dinner.