We have been discussing positive discipline at our house a great deal lately. In the Montessori method the utlimate goal is to develop self control in the child. This is a goal, however, not a starting point. As Sunrise Montessori explains that an undisciplined and unskilled child is not free but a slave to his lower emotions. Montessori would identify that lack of discipline as related to excessive frustration rather than assigning a character flaw to the behavior. Building the child’s confidence through skill work and creating clear rules and an orderly environment filled with mutual respect often eliminates the problems. She did not advocate the abandonment of correction as is sometimes thought. In fact she says, "We must check in the child whatever offends or annoys others, whatever tends toward rough or illbred acts."  See (Montessori Discipline chapter V)

It is pointed out in this article Discipline: Developing Self Control  that some children do not find this process smooth and painless. Children are individuals and some come wired with more neurological challenges making the transition to self control a rockier road to travel. The advice generally given remains constant however – model the ideal behavior yourself, explain the purpose for the requested behavior and require it to be repeated, remove the audience for undesirable behavior, remain calm. The main question in the teacher or parent’s mind should be "What does this child need to know?"

Some tips I am trying to incorporate into my own parenting are:

First, not taking undesirable behavior personally. Easier said than done. It is all too easy to get annoyed and as though the behavior is targeted at you precisely to make your day harder.

Second, getting down on eye level with the child when correcting. Scoldings hurled from across a room are usually met with an equal amount of attention and a fleeing child. If it is worth correcting it is worth correcting well. Taking the time to look a child in the eye seems to send the message that this is very important and worth their consideration. It hopefully also says that the child is important to me.

Third, the Covey principle – be proactive vs reactive. It seems that the most bothersome behaviors occur when the kids have not been properly instructed in the correct way to do a thing. The Grace and Courtesy lessons are key here.  Practicing opening and shutting doors and drawers, folding clothes (a work in progress here ; )), making a request, expressing unhappiness, roleplaying possible scenarios before heading to the store or church all lead to much smoother interaction for us. We can take the time to teach it or take the time to correct it.

Along this same line I have found that offering choices (between options that are equally acceptable to me) wherever possible really has made life more pleasant here. Would you like carrots or celery? Would you like a red shirt or blue shirt today?  Would you like to do some reading or math?  I have good odds of getting one of two very desirable reactions and they feel empowered. Win win. : )

Finally, to express requests in the affirmative vs the negative.  A for instance – "Please walk" vs "Don’t run".  Apparently children do not process the negative well so they tend to miss the ‘don’t’ part and hear the ‘run’ part.  That explained a lot. ; D  If the child continues to ignore the positive request then the appropriate next step would be the eye level discussion of why walking was important and having the child explain what the consequences of running might be.

I like the comparison this article Respect makes between being an authoritative parent and an authoritarian parent. You can command respect by your consistency and respectful demeanor but do not need to lord your position over the child. An effective tool for earning this respect in my opinion is a very small word – sorry. Since self discipline is ‘a goal and not a starting point’ even adults are still progressing, though hopefully further along the path, towards that destination. Occasionally fatigue and frustration get the best of us and we slip. We say something less than kind or respond abruptly. Children have an enormous capacity for forgiveness however and we too often forget to appeal to it. Or, worse (and I speak with experience here : / ) it is too easy to say "I am sorry, BUT" and then go on and on about why the child really did cause the problem anyway.  That is no apology in the end.

One other thought about the Respect article is that parents often feel frustrated that children behave better for strangers than they do at home. They most often interpret this as a need to send their children to spend the day someplace else.  The oft repeated refrain is "I can’t get them to do anything."  There are usually two things at work here. One is that we generally treat strangers better than we do people closest to us. That is not acceptable for parent or child and if that is the case then we need to re-examine our interaction. The other consideration is that we do feel more able to express our true feelings with those closest to us. I have often wondered if it was truly desirable to have a child hold in all those feelings the way they tend to with strangers only to have the dam burst later. If we can accept the child’s negative emotion without taking it personally and help him to express it properly, it would seem to be benefit him more than if there was no acceptable outlet.

Anyway, enough rambling.  If you have any other positive parenting links do share!  Thanks!