rest

"Sit, Mama," she says. 

And we sit. She with her sheepskin and I with my book. 

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Silently she entwines her arms around my own. Her little body settles into sleep. I bend down to kiss her downy head, all blonde and wispy, wayward strands holdly tenaciously to the last bit of fading afternoon light. 

Notice this, I whisper to myself. And I do. And my heart breaks just a little bit because I know we are only just pausing for a moment.  We won't be here long. Still I am so grateful for now.

There are dry clothes to fold, soccer cleats to round up, crumbs on the Suburban seats. Certainly that is part of mothering. But, not all. There are also moments so achingly beautiful you forget to breathe. 

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This was one of them. 

In Whom Shall I Trust?

Several readings and snippets of conversation have come together over the past few days.  I tend to mark it down when this happens because surely it is for good reason.  Yesterday's gradual reading was from Ps 117:

"It is good to confide in the Lord, rather than to have confidence in man. It is good to trust in the Lord, rather than trust in princes."

Husband and I talked about this around the table last night.  How much sadness follows from failure to consider this direction?   Too often we look to each other for answers only God can give.  Misplaced confidences burden the one confiding as well as the one in whom we confide. The one is following counsel given by man, not God.  The other is led to hold his own counsel in perilously high esteem. That is, in part, our fault too, since we have favored their opinions over God's. 

The counter to this error is found in Mt 6:

"Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness; and all these things will be added onto you."

Then and only then. Yet we are so surprised when we circumvent this flow and all those "things" we are so desperate for elude us. Perhaps because what we really seek is the notice and approval of others. We need them to affirm our choices, validate our frustration, justify our decisions, take up our case before others. We stir ourselves up and seek out another to help calm the storm brewing inside. But, there is only One who calms storms – and there would be fewer storms to calm if we rested more quietly in Him, if we sought His direction before others'. 

When I opened Msgr. Landriot's words this morning they not surprisingly echoed this same counsel. He reminds us 

"Men will take no account of your sufferings, nor of the drops of blood running from your heart and falling upon the pavement of your hidden life; but God counts them, every one, and angels will gather them up. Each unseen tear thus falling from your heart is changed into a pearl of great price."

He goes on to say those pearls will adorn our brows in heaven and the crown will be 

"all the more beautiful and glorious, the weaker has been the nature of her who has thus gloriously conquered."

Where does he suggest we find the means to conquer these temptations? To remain steadfast while the waves of trial and upset rush at us?  

"I know none better than confidence in God." says he. 

Of course. There are no coincidences, of that I am certain. So I take note of this message sent from many directions over a few days. 

Is your heart heavy today? There is One waiting to hear your secrets and bear your burdens, to direct your steps. One who never fails. I am trying to step back more now and remind myself to place my confidence there. Life is not necessarily 'bad' because of others. It is often a trial because we neglect the very simple path leading straight to God.


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In case you missed it..

"There is no scripture that I know of where God says it is ok to grumble, pout or complain… There are, however, plenty of verses where God says to be thankful. It is hard to miss his meaning when Paul tells believers in the Thessalonian church to 

'Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances.'

In case you missed it, it is God's will for you to be thankful."

Seasons of a Mother's Heart, Sally Clarkson


Things that brought me joy lately:

 

Happy tourists waving from the Porta Nigra in Trier.  


  My guys : ) 

 


 

Other joyful things this week:


 

blessed herbs still hanging in the dining room from the Feast of the Assumption.
 

Lacy spider web on the deck.

peaches in Polish Pottery

The back seat antics of three budding band members. Driving from practice singing Toby Mac songs, Kieran gets an idea.  Hey! Tess you be guitar and Brendan take drums!  Tess commences to twang twang twang her air guitar and B drums the carseat while Kieran takes a strong lead vocal. Big girls and I burst into giggles up front. Hysterical. We are entertained moment by moment. : )  

Anna Maria Horner's look back.  Maybe you have to have been 19 and pregnant and wondering what your life was going to be.  But I don't think so. Still, I can look back to that point in life and stand in awe from this vantage point. 

H is for Home.  Love it.  LOVE it. Home tour here. Makes me happy just to look at it. 

Hope you have a joyful, happy weekend. If you think of it, drop a line and tell me what brought you joy this week.  I happen to know Donna Marie's latest. : ) So happy for you, friend!

 

more binders

Thank you for the binder feedback.  They are about as easy as can be.  We have a Vera Bradley store nearby and I had been eyeing some desk accessories there.  The price tag seemed ridiculous however unless you were beholden to a specific pattern.Ever admire things in the store then immediately tell yourself, "I can do that!"  Yeah, I have that syndrome. <g> And I like my paper. 

I buy the binders with the covers that open freely on one side so the papers don't get worn out and pulled around.  Measured the clear cover pockets and cut down 12 by 12 scrapbook paper to slip inside. I opened a document in landscape mode and used a large font to make the spine labels. Those are more of a pain to slide in but it works.  In the end you have a custom binder for a fraction of the big name desk accessories.

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Moira used the rest of her paper collection (My Mind's Eye) to make subject dividers.  We have two binders for each child – a large one for the lesson plans and answer keys, a smaller one for the quarter report paperwork.  They are kept in plastic crates as in years past, along with their books, at least until we get shelving for the schoolroom. 

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Back to School

Do you ever wonder what a 'typical" school day looks like in a clan like ours?  Here is a glimpse of our first day back at (home) school:

We had our test drive of the new binders.  

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We have made no significant changes to our home school in recent years but we did switch correspondence programs for the elementary kids since the new school offered online reporting options which was huge being overseas.  I had previewed the lesson plans pretty thoroughly in the days before but the first day was still a little bumpier since the system was new.  Required a fair amount of this:

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Even Tess is in on the action this year bringing the pupil count to six plus a toddler who are  also involved in two sports and four different teams.  There is some juggling but we are getting a good system down for sharing mom and checking/recording work and getting to those practices.  I admit to fantasizing about bilocation….

We managed to start by 8, break for snack at 10, and were mostly done by noon.  Alannah made these self frosted oatmeal cookies which were a huge hit. 

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Lest that all sounds a little too perfect let me assure you we had  a couple mini disasters which I share in the interest of giving a full and accurate report:

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Someone dropped a lunch plate.  It happens. Husband keeps telling me to get dishes that bounce.  

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Self explanatory.  This is why I wear $1.99 lipstick folks.   

Dad follows up at the end of the day to see that everyone has completed their assignments and keep tabs on which subjects they are doing well in and which are more challenging.  He provides a gentle accountability for the kids and their mom <g> Truth be told there are some days where a student or two horses around or lets the work slide until this moment of reckoning.  That is their choice.  But since those extras depend upon successful completion of the core work it isn't happening often. 

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And this post pretty much ate up my computer time and then some today!  Tschuss!  

  

  

Refining Fire

I followed a link from a comment on my Flickr account this weekend to a lovely blog which linked to a sermon on  suffering given by Josh Harris.  The topic was Fiery Trials and addressed the big and little tribulations that inevitably enter our lives – the kinds, the reasons why, and our responses.  He so beautifully said that God loves us too much to leave us in the lie that this world is our paradise.  Trials are often the only things that break our hold on the things that do not last.  

He points out that while most people tend to assume that most of the time things will go along smoothly punctuated by the occasional rough patch, in reality struggle is the way of this life.  Therefore we are not to be surprised or worse, resentful. The only way to heaven is by a cross, although we  choose how we carry it.  He encourages us to do so graciously and with joy because those trials are actually an invitation to share in the suffering of Christ. 

He also addresses a rarely discussed issue.  We are not to lump all our troubles together.  Too many Christians are quick to play the persecution card and too easily assume an unwarranted martyrdom. While we do face bigotry, rejection, and ridicule for our walk with God, often we are simply suffering the consequences of our own behavior.  It may be the result of obvious sin such as murder or theft.  It may be more subtle sin such as the 'meddling' the passage mentions. We are not to rejoice over that, nor write off all negative feedback from others.  If we do, we are missing valuable lessons and the opportunity to humble ourselves and grow.  

It happened that I had a read a similar exhortation by Fr Lovasik that same day. He writes:

"To be sensitive is good, but to let oneself grow overly sensitive leads to unhappiness…. Some by nature appear well armored against the disappointments of life.  But there are others who by nature are highly sensitive and are inclined to be introspective and melancholic. It is very easy for them to recognize slights, even sometimes where they do not exist. They are inclined to brood over these real or imagined slights with the result that they make themselves and those around them miserable."

Being very thin-skinned myself, I know whereof he speaks, and husband and I discussed this very thing recently.  Taken together these talks go a long way towards helping us put suffering into perspective. 

Our Lady's Church, Trier 

It must be something I ate…

Summer in Ohio is sweltering and the summer of '88 was no exception.  At least it felt that way as I sported a most impressive girth that year.  I had reached the final stretch of my second pregnancy which by all accounts had been uneventful.  I worked 15-20 hours a week caring for a delightful 90 year old woman throughout most of that time until I became so enormous even she could not bear to watch me work.  My measurements continued to increase, causing the due date to change twice.  With my history of preterm labor we assumed the baby would make his appearance earlier vs later so the growth wasn't a big concern of mine.  Not until August wore on with no sign of impending delivery. 

I arrived at my 40 week appointment measuring a fantastically large number which I will not publish here.  I fully expected to be induced and half-welcomed the prospect because I knew in my heart this was not the pound baby I had carried the first time.  However the resident who examined me rushed along distractedly and sent me on my way.  I remember telling myself that surely I would go into labor eventually and probably it didn't look as bad as I thought.  

The rooms at the clinic were set up in trios.  The doctor's offices were in the center of each, with two exam rooms flanking them.  I quietly and redressed and exited the exam room from the hall door that day.  As I passed the office I heard the young Dr saying to the nurse, "Have you ever SEEN a belly that big??" My heart sank along with my hopes of imminent labor and I lumbered home.  

The late 80's were my vegetarian period, which husband may remember as The Tofu Years. He was not a fan of soybean curd let's just say. In fact, he was certain he had an allergy to it.  I was certain he did not because he only had violent reactions BEFORE eating it. A pre-emptive 'allergy' of sorts.  I made green bean casserole that night with pureed tofu hidden inside. I had come to hide it in a lot of things, more or less successfully.  About halfway through dinner husband was on to the covert casserole strategy however and he responded with exceptional vigor this night, sure I was killing him. 

As the evening wore on his complaints grew louder along with the assertion that the tofu was to blame.  It was a deathly still and humid August evening in Ohio and I was toting an internal watermelon of a belly.  I was not in the mood. I suggested he go to bed and that I intended to do just that. 

I slept very hard that night.  The next clear memory I have was the phone ringing at dawn.  The voice on the other end was that of a friend of ours who worked in the emergency room.  He told me he had Allen there.  I was annoyed and confused.  What?? No you don't he is right…… gone.  I struggled upright and tried to recall what had happened.  Did he wake me up in the night?  Something about his stomach?  Something about a doctor?  I thought it was a dream.  I told him to go back to sleep.  I think.  But he hadn't.  He had gone up to the hospital where they discovered an appendix in need of surgery.  Oh. My. Stars. 

Calls went out in rapid succession.  First, to my mother in law who had been planning to come for the birth. Next, to friends who would take baby Colin until she arrived to relieve them.  I packed and shuttled him to their place and headed over to the hospital where husband was quite, um, heavily medicated.  I was terrified.  I had begun to contract and was feared I would be delivering without him.  'Cause at 41 weeks in the heat it was all about me, you know, lol. 

The surgery progressed and the contractions did the same. We got word that mother in law had arrived and friends were taking Colin back home.  Husband was deposited in the recovery room much happier and quickly became lucid and more comfortable by the hour.  I was becoming less of both and had this sneaking suspicion my water was breaking.  Husband declared we would go over to L and D to check it out.  He worked there, at that point in our lives, and got me into a room and examined.  Yes, it was that and, in those days, when your water broke, you did not leave that room pregnant.  I was admitted and given a gown to match his. Things were going from the sublime to the ridiculous faster than you can say 'overdue.' 

Because husband had connections in the department he was allowed to stay with me throughout the remaining six hours of truly agonizing labor. He held his own 'til the very end when the nurse noticed him looking as pale as I and insisted on pain medication.  Percoset as I recall.  I stared in horror as she gave him not one but two, certain he would pass out before the birth.  He did not, and very soon it was time to push.  And push we did. 

The staff and husband all tried to convince me  the baby's head was crowning. I was skeptical. I knew I was feeling feet at my ribs yet. The whole thing was disconcerting and I wasn't sure what was happening.  In the end it was exactly what it felt like. I delivered a strapping 9lb 6oz, 22inch long boy.  Zachary always did  do things up big and theatrically <g>  Likes to make an entrance, this one does. 

Husband and I recovered quickly and the three of us were discharged together later that weekend.  That boy is 22 today with a young life full of stories as wild and unbelievable as this one.  It has been a merry ride indeed, hasn't it Z? We love you and wish desperately we were all together this day.  

God bless you as you begin another year my boy! No matter how old you get you are always your Mama's boy. 

Links: Child of Mine