Mothering, a gift

It often happens like this. When I get a day – or a few of them strung together like this past weekend- images and ideas that have been floating in the ether, half-formed, suddenly settle and come together. I am not sure I can articulate them well but will give it a shot.

I mentioned earlier that the nasty exchange at The Old Schoolhouse disturbed me to no end. It was not because of the school choice issue but the basic misunderstanding of women’s choice, my choices specifically. This heated discussion intersected with another article which brought back intense memories. I hesitate to link, hesitate even more to comment. However a private email the other day showed me that the author’s story or at least similar versions of it, was reality for many of us. That reality tremendously impacted many of our early marriage and mothering experiences and we carry those images and messages with us forever. This story, then, is not about an expose of one popular figure but rather a story that could be retold with variations by countless of my generation. So I share it.

Rebecca Walker was raised to believe that motherhood is a form of servitude and that children (and men) enslave women. This assertion was not unique when we were growing up. However while the rhetoric has toned down a bit the basic belief remains, even if not articulated as such. Family is limiting. It narrows your options. It eats into your personal time. All dangerously bad things according to mental health experts. You know, like Oprah…. These voices allow that you can dabble, but don’t surrender yourself to this calling. Hold back, be careful.

Ms. Walker’s take on ‘sisterhood’ vs ‘motherhood’ is particularly insightful. It more than anything explains so much of what happened. The emphasis for some decades now has been on horizontal relationships vs. vertical, which left many girls with ‘friends’ where a mother, in the truest sense of the word, would have been so welcome. It is indicative of the desire to meet one’s needs versus the willingness to meet the needs of others. Ultimately we can never really ‘meet our own needs’. Focusing upon them feeds them and they mutate into a hunger that is never completely satisfied. That is a lesson that is often hard-learned however and many are caught up in the futile quest for self-preservation, often laying waste to those around them. It left us collectively with a plethora of sisters and a dearth of mothers.

Alice Walker figured prominently into my own early adulthood. I graduated from high school early and attended a large state university that year. Since I had tested out of first year English and was registering late I had just a handful of course options from which to choose. I ended up in Women’s Lit and spent the next five months immersed in stories and discussion of goddess theology, matriarchy, incest (considered rampant), violence against women, and feminine potential which was universally tied to leaving the men and children in one’s life and embracing other women either figuratively or literally. That was considered the only ‘safe place’ a woman had in this world and her self-actualization was only possible to the extent that she accepted this.

To be sure, this was the not the first I had heard of any of it. I was well-versed in alternative theology and alternative family composition by that point having grown up in a home with shelves lined with similar titles. I had been raised to question authority and to never trust men. This continuing education left me with troubling images and furthered the wariness I left home with. Having never actually lived in a traditional family nor with any males I had nothing to counter these arguments. What did I know? I entered marriage and motherhood with many conflicting feelings and few concrete skills.

Like Rebecca, my baby announcement was met with horror. Granted I was much, much younger than she. However the real problem was that it seemed there would be no college degree nor career and that prospect was appalling to the women in my family. It was hard for them to envision happiness without that.

Like Rebecca, I became so caught up in the bliss that carrying new life was that these negative responses didn’t sway me much. In fact it was hard to give my attention to much else besides the life growing inside me and the life my husband and I were building – imperfectly but determinedly. We made innumerable mistakes. Many of them could be directly traced to those messages ingrained in me when I entered this union. They colored my feelings about housekeeping, discipline (always bad), and unity between men and women (equated with fantasy). It was an uphill battle to reconcile the teaching of my past with my new reality which contradicted all I had expected.

The distinction that I finally articulated to myself was between slavery and service. The one is enforced, demanded, required, while the other is chosen, given freely, a gift. In a world where choice is supposed to be empowering it is seemingly impossible for some to believe that others would make a choice contrary to their own. When that happens the dissenter is rarely left to agree to disagree. They are considered unwise at best and unsafe at worst. This is arrogance to an extreme – to assume that those who do not concur must be deluded or entrapped. Is it not possible they have, instead, chosen the road less travelled. Perhaps by their giving without reserve it is they who have been given the gift?

Ann’s reflections about Choice overlapped with these others. She reminds us that

“with each loss, staggering or common, so the choice comes: gratitude or resentment.”

In fact this choice is always ours, not just with loss but every time life changes. Every decision necessarily closes other doors. We cannot do it all, or least not well. So yes, committing to a man, to children, to a vocation necessarily means there are now many other paths no longer open to us. We have a choice – bitterness or joy, carefully metered out affection or total self-donation. We are not victims. Those emotions come from inside of us, they are not inflicted upon us. We choose. That truth is most liberating. It is not about coercion. It is about laying down one’s life freely. This is true empowerment.

I wish I could have known that before I began this journey. I am not sure words could have ever spoken as compellingly as the grasp of a newborn’s tiny hand around my finger. They could never have explained the ‘safe place’ that was the embrace of a man who loves you. It hasn’t been without trial. It has been messy at times, as life usually is. Still it is a beautiful mess. It is a gift. Given and received.

I thank God I did not miss it.

*note – If you were inclined to think these voices belong to another era, think again. Just yesterday a friend forwarded me her son’s high school English summer assignment list. It was populated by just such authors. She was justifiably alarmed as they have begun to work their way through the list. : /

Creatures of Habit

It goes pretty much the same way every morning. First there is the click and slide of the stall door latch. Then Clove, it’s nearly always Clove, comes barreling around the corner, pausing briefly to consider knocking the lid off the feed bin and diving in. I tell her not to even think about it and she lurches onto the milking stand. So it goes with each doe, each morning with very little variation.

I didn’t give it too much thought until it was Asher out there helping me the other day. Clove had to be coaxed out of her stall when Asher was holding open the door. Then she refused to go back in and made several laps around the barn in desperate confusion. A goat isn’t a particularly affectionate animal so you don’t realize they have given their complete trust to you and your routine until someone new steps in and they wig out. She hadn’t exactly expressed deep satisfaction with our little system but apparently being off of it totally threw her.

The goats aren’t the only ones around here who are creatures of habit. Allen took the older kids to camp out for the Bolder Boulder run. Asher and I stayed back with Tess and Brendan to hold down the fort. At first I imagined all sorts of free time given half the family here. Reality is, Asher and I had to split up the chores belonging to the missing kids and add them to our own. This always makes for a bit of on the spot decision making and some lapses. While I wouldn’t likely have said we had a well-oiled machine before, we seem to have had a pretty good flow going.

I remember years back a homeschool author writing about habits shared how she had moved a wall clock to a new location. For weeks afterwards various family members would glance over at the now empty space. Nothing could have convinced her of the power of habit better than that object lesson. This weekend has been a compelling example for me as well. “Why are there still dishes on the counter?” Oh yes, Aidan is gone. Lots of that type of thing has happened. More than that, there is Brendan.

We seem to have a pretty good system for supervising the B-bop boy. We seem to REALLY need one. Without those extra sets of eyes, mine are glued to him his every waking moment with the occasional hand-off to Asher so I can sweep a room or run for a bathroom break without disaster striking. We have appealed to his future aspirations, reminding him of the things that good scouts rarely do. For example, scouts do not swipe strawberries and flee to the nether regions under the bunkbeds where their pregnant mother cannot retrieve them. Nor would a good scout climb unto the kitchen table and wear the centerpiece as a hat while singing “I David Cooke!” at the top of his lungs into a cell phone charger. And a good scout never, never paints his sister’s face, even with jam. Never. Sometimes he is game. Sometimes he remains unconvinced. Always he is busy.

These past weeks have been spent factoring that reality into plans for the coming school year. By Thanksgiving there will be three little ones under four years old. One of them will be Brendan. While the details are being worked out I can tell you the master plan is to follow the advice of my mentors, Charlotte Mason and Maria Montessori. As Charlotte suggests, he will be right by my side to assure good habits supplant natural inclinations. Montessori work will have to be plentiful because his mind – and his hands – are never still. This should be considerably easier with lots of helpers on deck but it does mean a new school plan for the older kids. More on that to follow!

Meantime, if you have a very, VERY busy three year old and wonder if you will ever get another thing done then know you are not alone. My advice to you is not to even try to get “another thing done” right now. Nothing ensures future opportunity for getting things done like taking a season to instill order, peace, and self control in our whirling dervish children. I know this because I have had two other such little people. They both became skilled athletes. One is the most even tempered, helpful girl I have ever met today. You would have a hard time equating her with the busy toddler hanging upside down off the couch or rolling down the hallway in uproarious laughter or changing her clothes multiple times per day. It happened though and at this moment she is running six miles through Boulder with some thousands of runners – and her Dad. : )

I have every confidence Brendan can be such a boy. I am realistic enough to know it will not happen overnight nor without vigilance on our part. Relaxing that vigilance in early pregnancy is responsible in part for our schoolroom box/tray messes and the periodic closet tornado. What is necessary now is girding our loins and setting those good habits in stone so that he too, comes to find it a very pleasant second nature. Wish us luck!

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Dr Laura on Homeschooling (and a general rant about being meanspirited)

Dr. Laura recently weighed in on the side of homeschooling. It was a timely article. This last week dear friend Jen and I witnessed one of the most vicious attacks on homeschoolers over at The Old Schoolhouse. I won’t even link to it. It was that bad. Several hecklers, who referred to themselves as teachers but refused to sign their names (one claimed because she feared homeschool militias – hello?) anonymously attacked the guest blogger’s hair, wardrobe, punctuation, children, and general personhood. I quote one teacher:

“I reject your truth, your BS, and your hair.”

Now there’s a way to encourage fruitful discussion. Whooey.

Another claimed homeschool kids were clearly handicapped as evidenced by their obvious lack of fashion sense. It was those skirts, doncha know. Not that all homeschoolers wear them. Not that all homeschoolers are of one faith, one worldview, one curriculum, one cookie cutter. It was a convenient insult to hurl given the lack of serious data supporting academic and psychological damage from homeschooling. Apparently those are not the most critical factors in school choice. No, silly. Its about the hair. Let me tell you, girlfriends, I am in big trouble if so.

We have been in homeschool groups across the country over the past 17 years. We have happily been part of Catholic groups, Protestant groups, military base groups, and secular groups where a number of the families considered themselves pagans. There were few things that were consistently uniform among the groups but always these two: they loved learning and they never made personal attacks based upon outward appearances. Some families were very mainstream and some very eccentric – just like in public school. Some were math and science minded, some were artsy – just like in public school. Some preferred classical disciplines, some leaned toward the alternative – just like private and public magnet schools. There is an unwritten law among folks in these groups however that what is on the outside is not nearly as important as what is on the inside.

No matter what your beliefs about the hereafter may be, one thing is pretty universally accepted and that is that the ‘outside’ is not going with us when we leave here. So, while it is fun to hash out hairstyles and skirt cuts can you really fathom considering that a yardstick by which to evaluate your fellow man?

One thing we have always tried to drive home to the kids is that if a person is reduced to discussing bodily form and function they must have nothing more substantial to contribute to the conversation. Likewise when a person raises his voice or makes personal attacks he generally has nothing legitimate to add either. (thank you to the fine folks at Critical Thinking Press) In our home you may debate ‘ideas’ but you may never attack the person who holds them. It is both irrelevant and entirely unkind.

I admit there is some leftover teenager in me who does notice. However where one might interpret a dated hairdo as belonging to a woman who is clueless, I am much more inclined these days to interpret her as being far too involved with her vocation to be concerned about things as transient and superficial as fashion trends. They see women who don’t make the cut. I see women who place a premium on selflessness, service, and character. Those high-minded habits used to be considered virtues. In some faiths they nominate you for sainthood for just such traits. In mainstream Western society however those very attributes single a girl out as ‘subjugated’ and ‘brainwashed’.

I think the slam that really illustrates best how many define success was the comment:

“We will see who gets the $150,000 jobs!”

I guess we will. Income seems to determine whether a task is admirable or not. For instance, making a healthy dish for your children for free would be subjugation. Getting paid a small fortune to make a healthy dish on the Food Network – which feeds no actual human beings – is worthy of great praise.

I will probably knock myself inexorably into the ‘hopeless case’ camp when I tell you I really couldn’t care less who makes what when its all said and done. It is rarely an accurate indication of personal satisfaction. Like the ‘outside’ the income doesn’t go with either:

“All men are like grass,
and all their glory is like the flowers of the field;
the grass withers and the flowers fall”

We will not be physically beautiful forever. Investments often fail. Your paycheck will not attend you by your deathbed nor care much when you are gone. Character goes on forever. Work on the inside. Avoid contention. It is the meek who are to inherit the earth, not the loud, the angry, nor the self-righteous. Therefore I don’t engage in debate.

Make no mistake, my quibble here is not with teachers. I have dear friends in that noble profession and many in my extended family have devoted their lives to education. I have learned more than I can ever adequately express from excellent teachers who have shared their expertise. Many of them fill the sidebars. My discouragement is not aimed at any particular profession. This is not really about being a public schooler or a homeschooler. It is about being human and the dignity which that commands. Insults nearly identical to those mentioned here were levied at Michelle Dugger and her girls on a popular ‘women’s blog’ so apparently meanspirited swipes are not limited to TOS. My sorrow is over that sentiment, the yardstick being used to measure innocent children’s value. Their Father in heaven would surely not approve.

Weekend plans

So far:

One teenager driving session, no hyperventilation this time – check

One Walmart run for garden soil and enough produce to last til next week along with a surprise 90cent/lb beef sale! Almost perfect but for one diaper blow out – check

Library books exchanged – check (I think we get extra points since we found them all and have no late fees)

Potential holiday-weekend-without-half-the-family plans:

clean out the fridge

put on haz-mat gear and tackle the school/craft sorting

cook all the 90 cent/lb beef

long nap daily followed closely by good night’s sleep…..

Anyone wanna vote?

*totally unrelated postscript – why is it dogs and toddlers insist on cramming themselves into the space between you and the counter?

Fit Day

My Paleo Kitchen Blog linked to the free Fitday journal. Honestly, I have never in my life tracked my food intake. I started with this pg though when I realized I wasn’t getting the ratio of protein/carbs I was shooting for. Time will tell how useful this is over the long haul but for now it seems easier than writing it all down because it automatically calculates calories, fat and protein grams. I am all for keeping track but no way was I likely to count anything on my own with all there is to do in a day. This took five minutes to tally the whole day and helped me see where to tweak.

I have enjoyed the Paleo blogs a great deal. I really hate complicated food but could never throw myself into a raw foods diet, Atkins diet (we like fruit, we have babies) nor do I like ‘recipes’. Just not into that. Fresh, simple, that works.

Modest Fashion

I got a few moments to catch up on a lovely blog I have saved in Bloglines but neglected to read in recent weeks, Charming the Birds from the Trees. What a shame. I missed some very nice articles, not the least of which were these posts about modest fashion for spring and options for postpartum wear. She has a few posts called What I Wore Wednesday. I could easily import her entire wardrobe I think lol! Probably the odds that she is five feet tall are probably pretty slim however. Nevertheless, it was great inspiration. To be candid, not all the modest wardrobe entries in blog world are as inspiring.

Also of note was the link to the Russian Orthodox women’s fashion show. I haven’t the foggiest idea what the text says, being in Russian and all, so if you you happen to be fluent and just linked to a radical anarchist site or something please excuse me.

For you modest moms who are expecting, Helen shared this link to maternity skirts which was GREATLY appreciated. Perhaps the most intriguing tip she had was the Bella Band. Wow! I think I need one! Apparently these things adapt your non-maternity separates to your changing shape. This could revolutionize my life. I was telling her that being short, I am not happy with the way larger size non-maternity skirts hang from my belly. I end up looking like a hovercraft as dear friend Jen says. REALLY wide. The band would fit the top to your profile though instead of the fabric standing out from your body. Let me know if you have any experience with these ok?

Vintage Homemaking – airing the house

“They (the little girls) were for the most part downstairs in the big playroom….One or two windows had been partially opened to air the room in their absence.” – from Mother

“the nurseries must be kept sweet and thoroughly aired…..The beds and bedclothes should be turned down to air for a couple of hours before they are made up.”
– Home Education Vol 1

The idea of airing out the house has come up again and again lately though I admit it was not my first exposure to the concept. I was an exchange student in high school and spent one summer living in the Netherlands where it was rather common to open the windows and ‘keep things sweet’. Later, as a newly married couple we lived in Germany, where there was also a wonderful absence of both insect screening and the need for same. One of our first purchases was a thick down comforter which we diligently aired from the second floor window just like our neighbors.

After returning to the United States where we had screened and insulated, super airtight homes we fell out of the habit. Reading vintage homemaking books has rekindled the fascination with a simple but effective means of freshening the home. My own dear Gram has a habit of sleeping with the window of her room cracked a smidge which is maddening to my relatives. I wonder now if this is less a sign of old age and muddled thinking as it has been attributed to and more a throwback to what was once a very common practice.

I am beginning to suspect that neglecting this simple practice may be contributing to the decline in our indoor air quality. This is a critical consideration for many of us. Growing up my mother was a chain smoker. She had a very meager income and the house was closed tight all winter with every hint of draft carefully plugged. This was the kiss of death for my airways and I came to equate winter with pink antibiotic syrup and Vicks.

Our own home houses 10 or 11 of us most of the time. When a virus hits, it tends to sweep through no matter how clean you keep things. I realize though we are only hitting the surface germs and anything airborne remains locked in the rooms with us. I have tried this spring to open the windows in each room for just a bit each day, in particular the rooms where someone had been convalescing. It is too soon to report back but I will say it helps to freshen things up considerably.

I have read that you only need a few minutes a day. If you heat your home with a wood stove you should wait til the stove is “out” that day before airing the room in which it sits. If you have a regular furnace, turn it off for those minutes. Obviously the same applies in summer when the a/c is on.

Most of us are grateful for our insect screening yet it does inhibit airing of bed linens. It will take more forethought to be sure they get some time to sun periodically. While sheets often hang outdoors in summer, don’t forget the bedspreads and comforters which may be in greater need since they are laundered less frequently. If you have allergies be encouraged that exposure both to sunlight and temperatures below freezing both kill dust mites. It is worth the effort!

Daybook May 19th

I have so enjoyed the Simple Woman’s Daybook so am creating my own this week. It is perfect for those of us who are over-fond of bullet style presentations lol!

FOR TODAY

Outside my Window… bright sun and clear skies, Lark Buntings who have visited frequently of late.

I am thinking… how happy I am that scouts is on summer break!

I am thankful for… what promises to be a peaceful day – for a Monday.

From the kitchen… leftover chocolate cake. (I am pg – that’s my story and I am sticking to it!) Do I get points if it is made with barley flour and is without frosting?

I am creating... a baby.

I am going... to make a menu, a shopping list, and run errands. (all you ‘bad guys’ out there, know that this house is never EVER empty. That is why I have to leave periodically lol! There are always adults here and large neighbor men in overalls with a good aim….)

I am wearing… black swing skirt which I bought too big last year. Guess what? It fits now. Yellow sweater set. Black sandals.

I am reading... Mitten Strings for God. Getting plenty of affirmation for our slow lane approach to life.

I am hoping… for time to sit with my husband some evening this week.

I am hearing… Aidan singing and Brendan sneaking into the pantry. He SO thinks I didn’t notice.

Around the house… there is a box of new books from the library book sale. A mess in the sunroom from a half finished chore on Sat. Compost in the front beds that needs to be tilled.

One of my favorite things… is our jacuzzi tub. I snuck upstairs and filled it Sat night. I am making a habit out of it even if I am pg and have to make the water less than scalding.

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week... finish reworking the school room. That may roll into next week since we moved the rest of the fabric in there. Some of the kids are racing Fri nite. The lamp by the road needs to be put back on the post since the storm. Literally snapped in two.

Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you… Real friends slip dark chocolate bars into your purse at church. Thank you Cheryle!

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