So last night did not turn out as expected. Allen had told me to pencil in date night. That was a good thing and I had it on my radar all week. But then as we were tossing around ideas for what to do he had mentioned an art show/work function. Eh. Ok. At the last minute the girls got a call to come hang out with friends’. Ok again.

We dropped them off and went to Whole Foods (which is where people who eat funny dine out lol!) and ran an errand and were heading back to the art show. I was trying very hard to be a good sport but in all honestly the arthritis has been flaring and I wasn’t sure how I was going to walk through the rest of the evening. It is such a treat to be alone with dh though I was really trying.

Allen forgot the tickets in his car which we had left at the friends’ home so we had swung by there to grab them. He told me to just knock and tell them we were going to switch cars. That did seem off though the man does love his truck. Whatever. We could switch. I took my pg self to the door, told our friends, and turned to leave only to hear a chorus of “Surprise!!” There was a houseful of our dear friends who, with Allen, had concocted this whole scheme to get me to what was a truly lovely and completely unexpected baby shower. Actually, it was a “mom” shower and shower me they did.

I can’t tell you all what you mean to me nor what last night meant. God knows when we need a little extra oomph to carry on and just who to use to bestow it. From the bottom of my heart I thank you.

My dear husband did it again. He completed the Pike’s Peak Marathon this past weekend no thanks to the weather which turned freakishly cold for August. After blazing heat in the previous weeks he arrived at the base of the mountain and looked up at this:

Snow. Three new inches overnight at 27 degrees. In August.

Still they ran. They ran through fog and rain and then snow and then did it all in reverse on the way back down. He said it was the single hardest physical thing he has ever done. But, he did it!

on the way up:

at the peak (he was just feet from the sign)

That is the gist of the second chapter of the Napthali book where she discusses the concept of equanimity – the ability to keep calm whatever is happening. She discusses the myriad emotions that visit us and suggests that we consider them just that – temporary visitors. As such, we can acknowledge their arrival and allow them to come and go, exercising some objectivity versus clutching them tightly. We ‘host’ these emotions rather than becoming passengers, driven by them.

When something normally considered bad happens, you can handle it – it doesn’t derail you. Likewise, if something good happens you feel joy without feeling dependent on or attached to the event.

This reiterates the message of resignation found in Surrender to Divine Providence which I have read and reread countless times. (I will “get it” yet!) That whole book is about being at peace with the will of God. We can know with certainty that everything that happens has run by God first. He allows it all for (and only for) our greater good. Each will last just as long as He deems wise and not a minute more or less. We can allow ourselves to feel happiness and pain, knowing God has ordained each for a purpose, without feeling the driving need to control their arrival and departure. Someone else has it all well in hand. As the author says:

We should desire what God does and accept with filial submission all that is decided by His Providence

In a spirit of conformity to His holy will we should accustom ourselves for the love of God to putting up with all the little daily vexations, such as a word said that wounds our self-esteem, a fly that annoys us, the barking of a dog, knocking into something as we walk along, a small accidental hurt, a light suddenly going out, a rent in our clothes, a pen that won’t write, and so on.

This issue of control is brought up in the Motherhood book also:

With equanimity we accept what is and stop trying to control the inevitable and impermanent

What is inevitable?

…gain and loss, pleasure and pain, praise and blame, fame and disrepute. No matter how hard we try to attract or avoid any of these, we’ll experience all of them in their turn.

Trying to anticipate each or expecting to exercise control over them causes us unnecessary suffering.

St Philip Neri wrote something similar. He describes three stages of spiritual development:

In the spiritual life there are three degrees.The first may be called the animal life; this is the life of those who run after sensible devotion, which God generally gives to beginners, to allure them onwards by that sweetness to the spiritual life, just as an animal is drawn on by a sensible object.

The second degree may be called the human life; this is the life of those who do not experience any sensible sweetness, but by the help of virtue combat their own passions.

The third degree may be called the angelic life; this is the life which they come to, who, having been exercised for a long time in the taming of their own passions, receive from God a quiet, tranquil, and almost angelic life, even in this world, feeling no trouble or repugnance in anything.

Of these three degrees it is well to persevere in the second, because the Lord will grant the third in His own good time.

In all three sources, tranquility comes after much practice in taming ones emotions and is not generally to be had otherwise. Much commentary is made about being intentional in our reactions. With every challenge or trial we can choose joy. We can decide whether to let things roll off our back or to hold them in to fester. We can be driven by the need for emotional and sensational highs or, conversely, by the need to avoid unpleasantness. Or instead, we can greet both confidently and peacefully. The common theme is that this lofty goal is best achieved by mastering lots of little challenges:

It is even more important to practice conformity to God’s will in these small things than in larger ones, both because they are more frequent and because the habit of supporting them in a Christian spirit prepares us in advance and in a natural manner to show resignation when we have to face serious difficulties.

– Surrender to Divine Providence

indoor pool

room service

little people bundled into softs beds

driving to the school

one well-appointed dorm room

three new roommates

lots of late night snacks stocked

goodbyes

long trip home

a very lovely weekend

Our new appliances came yesterday and look absolutely gorgeous. We chose an entire set of black to match the existing island stove top and tile backsplash. It would not be my signature style per se (i think I have swooned over these appliances once before…) but definitely right for this room. The salesman neglected to mention the stove would need a conversion from regular gas to LP so that needs to be handled yet. And the fridge stopped cooling midday. So, we seem to be about par for the course for us ; ) I swear. I have a 25 year old dinged up, rusting fridge outside that has never had a problem. Ever. Buy old. Old is better.

Speaking of buying old – the desk is (re)finished! The little boys put on the new hardware while the kitchen was out of order yesterday. Still no iphoto but I took pics for that long hoped-for day of digital restoration.

Allen flew in late last night and Colin moves into his dorm today. The little boys were up at 6 doing the Daddy’s Home dance. We have plans to smother them both all weekend Will catch you on the flip side.

Yesterday was a big day for me. We loaded up all the goat kids from this year and last year’s kidding plus another doe we had picked up last year and they headed for the livestock sale. Saturday was actually harder than the day of. Anticipation is always harder for me than the actual doing of a thing and this was no exception.

In my heart I know it was definitely the right thing to do. Homestead projects have always been, for us anyway, about providing what we needed and not growing beyond our comfort zone. Bigger is not necessarily better in almost any category. This is a recurrent theme here I am sure you have noticed. (I tend to think out loud and this is what we have been thinking about so very much lately.)

When Allen first suggested we were becoming a business rather than a homestead it was upsetting. It was not because he was wrong. We were becoming that. But growth is good right? It’s the American dream. It is capitalism at work. What’s the problem? Well the problem is that we are a family, not a factory. My chosen vocation is wife and mother, not provider of goods or services – paid or unpaid- outside these 4 walls. Anything else has to support the primary roles, not detract from them. Profit and praise are not the deciding factors. Quality of life is.

We have seen home businesses that were actually ‘mom’ businesses which grew and taxed the family. We knew we didn’t want that. We are discovering however that it takes even more self-discipline to control and limit expansion – whether in business or possessions or our social life – than it does to continue to grow.

It also takes a lot of self-discipline to trust your spouse’s leading and do the hard things that are asked of you, even when you know that person is asking for your own good. It is so tempting to mull it all over and then present lots of very sensible – even spiritual – reasons why it is you cannot or better yet, should not, follow through. However, the blessing is not in the resistance. It is in the whole hearted willingness.

I am trying to look at the house the same way. We are addressing the craft room, school room and storage shed next. Many items in all of those places have been with us for years. They have been boxed or shelved in many houses but not used. They are my “someday” things. Someday has not come. Instead of “someday” there is “everyday”. Everyday to work around them, everyday to have them take up space. So again this week we continue emptying space, clearing out the clutter in both our home and our hearts. We are taking a step out in faith and trust and embracing, in all areas, only what is blessing us.

My prayer today is to trust more in my family than in my “stuff”.

Thank you so much to those of you who have left notes and asked about how we were doing. I haven’t had a chance to answer properly this week but it has been a good week still and one which I trust will lay the foundation for smoother ones to come.

Recently we have seen the culmination of a series of challenges. It seems this happens every so often in a large and growing family. Suddenly nothing ‘fits’ well anymore. The recipes that used to guarantee leftovers now are consumed at dinner. (or don’t stretch through the meal) Pots and pans seem too small. A schedule that began comfortably now taxes. Appliances expire. Sometimes (don’t I know it!) even the actual clothes are no longer the right size. Adjustments must be made. That is what this week was about.

I am not the first person to puzzle over Mt 11:30

For My yoke is easy, the burden light.

There are times, such as we have found ourselves upon, that do not seem easy nor light. They become oppressive and heavy. In those times we remind ourselves that His promise has not been revoked. It is we who have picked up other baggage along the way. In those times we have to stop a moment, assess our load, and determine which of our burdens are truly from Him and which are of our own choosing.

I am a firm believer that we are always assured of the grace to do His will, but not necessarily a smidge more than that. In fact, it seems that increasingly there is no wiggle room in that regard. Though there are many more things we would “like” to do they are simply not possible right now. For that reason, this week my husband and I sat down and sorted the baggage. We talked about what our current realities are, what our goals are, and which things in our lives were helping and which were hindering. It can be tempting to assure yourself that everything is necessary, everything helping, but that is rarely the case. Coming to the task with an open mind and a willing heart can net innumerable blessings.

Our current reality is that the travel portion of Allen’s job is still a constant. That means there are things we used to take for granted that he could fix and attend to that now ought to be managed in other ways to help ease his burden. It is necessary to maintain our property. It is not necessary that he physically do every job. We can delegate some of it so that he can instead enjoy the children on his off time. For that reason, when we went to the store to pick out new kitchen appliances (insert chorus of praise and thanksgiving!!) we opted for the installation package. Yes, he knows how to wire. Yes, he could haul off the old stuff in his truck. No, that is not the best use of his limited time – right now. Likewise we have had a contractor by to bid on some of the larger work that has been stacking up around the house. It was a huge thing for Allen but a wonderfully good move which promises to bless our family in many ways.

We took a good look at our livestock. Which do we most enjoy? Which are a source of frustration or extra work? We like our goats, we like the horses, we would even like more of the latter. The calf is not likely a cost effective investment. Our neighbors sell grass fed beef as cheaply as we can process it ourselves. So the calf is sold to cover to the appliances which DO contribute to our well-being in irreplaceable ways – right now.

The goat herd is a tremendous source of pleasure for me. But the business portion of it, not so much. We are discerning what a comfortable herd size is – one that will provide for our family but not burden us with work for which the benefits are scanty.

Asher got his license this week. Woo hoo! Well sorta. It meant he could take Colin to a concert they had been waiting for and no one had to drive them in and out. It meant Alannah could attend teen night in town again with the local homeschoolers. It also meant his father watching the clock and scanning the long dirt road for signs of their return, listening to the traffic report to reassure himself that his children were ok. That part will get better though and we will be able to enjoy the extra driver. However, it means that Asher is gone more with a new job and some of his chores need to be reassigned to other kids.

These things are some of the challenges that needed to be reworked or eliminated entirely. Goals include more travel. We have always been a well-travelled bunch. Increasingly Allen is traveling alone or with a child or two. Part of that is the reality that is ten kids. Part is because we have made lifestyle choices that did not include planning expressly to make couple or group travel possible. We realize how much we miss that and are making the necessary tweaks so that can happen more often.

Another immediate goal is school. I want to enjoy the year. I want to enjoy these children who will only be this size this one year. To that end I am once more dumping an enormous amount of stuff that had originally been saved when purging. Looking at it all again in this light I realized that no, these are not appropriate burdens to maintain. I don’t love this stuff. I don’t want to spend my time moving it, cleaning it, etc. They go. I am after the beauty of the few. Minimalist surroundings for maximum living.

There are some other big decisions in the works and if you are the praying sort I would most appreciate you keeping those intentions in prayer at the moment. We will know in time if these are our ideas or God’s and we will adjust again accordingly. Meantime, we are grateful for the lightening of the load. The yoke does seem sweeter today.

“Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for your selves.”

Found this wonderful old column of her’s from RetroRenovation of all places:

JUST FOR TODAY – I will live through the next 12 hours and not try to tackle all life’s problems at once
JUST FOR TODAY – I will improve my mind. I will learn something useful. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration
JUST FOR TODAY – I will be agreeable. I will look my best, speak in a well-modulated voice, be courteous and considerate.
JUST FOR TODAY – I will not find fault with friend, relative or colleague. I will not try to change or improve anyone but myself.
JUST FOR TODAY – I will have a program. I might not follow it exactly but I will have it. I will save myself from two enemies – hurry and indecision.
JUST FOR TODAY – I will exercise my character in three ways. I will do a good turn and keep it a secret. If anyone finds out it won’t count.
JUST FOR TODAY – I will do two things I don’t want to do, just for the exercise.
JUST FOR TODAY – I will be unafraid. Especially will I be unafraid to enjoy what is beautiful and believe that as I give to the world, the world will give to me.

Postscript – Amy is absolutely correct from what I see. How odd the original column was run without attributing it correctly.

“… she had met life too bravely to be beaten down now. So with a stout heart and a cheery face,, she worked away day after day…..and she had seen with pride that couldn’t be concealed her noisy, happy brood growing up around her and filling her heart with comfort and making the little brown house fairly ring with jollity and fun.”
– The Five Little Peppers

Days in plural perhaps. Our technology has failed in a series – first the iphoto, then the car needed a jump (as the seven of us were loaded, buckled, and heading out to the midwife), and the dishwasher died. Worst of all, the electric fence won’t charge mysteriously. We replaced the battery, checked for weeds and other obstructions. No luck. this is a bad thing because goats need to be outside. They will need a goatherd this week. I bet the Amish don’t have these problems. Sometimes I wish we hadn’t ever begun to rely on these “helps” because it is such a disruption when they peeter out on us.

Nevertheless we ended the week in a whirlwind of activity. I gutted the little boys room – again. Made a command decision that we are done storing multiple sizes of clothing. If you are the person who asked me how I handle stored clothes, the answer is “not very well”. I manage the possessions we use daily just swell. Those that are to be sorted and stored and rotated regularly make my head spin, particularly when children periodically feel compelled to rummage through the storage. (why oh why?) So I have bagged a good deal of it up to return it to thrift shop circulation this week.

The girls arrived in from camp around dinner time yesterday. Woo hoo! Alannah had a quick turn for her next week of travel with her Dad.

Today was rough. Between the clothes sorting and the dishwasher fiasco and getting them out the door at 5am I should have seen what was coming and just stayed home. I hate to do that though so I packed us all off to church. Got there 45min early because I hadn’t gotten the note about choir practice being cancelled. Brendan was out of sorts which didn’t bode well. The boys had class afterwards but by then I was done in and my blood sugar was bottoming out. We went home.

Brendan, despite his inexplicable behavior has a way of stopping you in your tracks. I overheard him talking to Moira about his hair. He remarked that hers was brown. That got him thinking of his apparently. He told her “I have yellow hair on my head…and it is boo-da-ful”. I had to smile. I had to slow down.

It is funny how things can turn around if you do just slow down and take a deep breath. I am reading a wonderful book I hope to quote from this week about doing just that. I reminded myself about the passages advising doing one thing at a time. I reminded myself about the articles the Gypsy Lady and I have shared this week about childcare and keeping everyone close at hand. I did both. We made dinner together. I read them read our new library books during dinner. We cleared the table and Colin took them out to play. A cool breeze swept through the kitchen and I dove in to those dishes, by hand. It was slow but it was therapeutic. The warm water, the children’s voices wafting in here and there. I felt my breath coming slower and deeper. All is well.

And now, I need to round up that ‘boo-da-ful’ little man and his compadres from the advancing darkness, wrap them in superhero jammies and tuck them in bed, smelling that yellow hair and reminding myself how really lucky I am. That is my next “one thing” tonight, one in series of many things I hope not to lose sight of in a flurry of activity and minor frustrations that life can become if we aren’t mindful.