I have been blessed with a few private phone calls this week but now am running short on time. In regards to a chat I had with another blogger (Hello Amy!) I threw together my thoughts on resistance from kids and what is at the heart of it. Here is my best shot:

Many moms make a stab at a order, experience resistance, and mistakenly assume that this is what they can expect forever after. They have visions of having to set themselves up as joyless taskmasters demanding compliance from children who are secretly (or overtly) churning with resentment. Assuredly it need not be so and here is why. It is not that we have an aversion to order itself, it is that we gravitate towards what we are predisposed to doing. CM said “Habit is ten natures.” Truer words were never spoken. The more we repeat an action the more we are inclined to…… repeat that action. Repetition also brings ease. No longer must one think through each step of the process. Those steps become automatic. Habit becomes our servant and propels us to success. Any task that becomes old hat is no longer the effort it was initially.

If you generally overlook piles of dirty clothes or allow toys to remain on the floor at day’s end then visit your kids with the occasional disgusted outburst about mess you will most certainly be met with equal indignance. They will look at you as if to say Hello? Who are you and what have you done with my mother? They will resent the intrusion upon their routine (and they do have a routine whether it was by design or developed by default). There will be conflict if this is a one-time intrusion upon their status quo.

Like I shared with Amy, some years back I read an analogy that changed my position on establishing some routine in our lives. The author asked how the reader to consider how they would respond if their pastor (insert priest, rabbi, etc) held services at 9am one Sunday, 7am the next, and 11am the third? If the services were held randomly you would likely become extremely frustrated and annoyed. This helped me to see things through my children’s eyes. They needed to know what to expect or they were going to respond with the same annoyance that I would under those circumstances.

It doesn’t have to be that way however. Working on one habit at a time you can ease us into order peacefully. Begin with something small. Decide what your priority is and insist upon it – gently, sweetly but firmly. Post it on the fridge. Do the children routinely wander from the table leaving it full of dishes? Unless this doesnt annoy you in the least that would be a good place to start. Explain exactly what one should do at the end of a meal – remove your plate and utensils, scrape waste, stack on the counter etc. Remember you get what you inspect so if you have this discussion once and retreat to the computer when the meal is over you can pretty much expect things to carry on as before. It takes three weeks on average to establish a habit. So that means for the coming weeks you will need to be right there with them after meals walking them through the new routine.

It will be exponentially easier as the days and weeks go by. We don’t react with shock and amazement over daily occurences. We react that way to that which is out of the ordinary. Eventually, assuming the norm is reasonable, we become accustomed to our routine and it can be accomplished expeditiously and with minimal effort. As Charlotte says:

What we have practice in doing we can do with ease, while we bungle over that in which we have little practice.”

Bungle is my new favorite word. : ) We bungle in this instance not because some order is a bad thing but because intermittant order is a shock to the senses and the children (and us often!) are not in the habit or orderliness. Once we are, it really is smooth sailing most days.

In addition to your consistency, your demeanor will also be decisive in determining how your children will react. If you whine, plead, or employ sarcasm you can and ought to expect the same in return. Children generally respond in kind to the behavior of those around them. We must be what we wish them to be because that in fact is what they are becoming daily as they watch us model behavior for them. Are we inconsistent? Irritable? We should not be surprised when we see these traits in our kids. On the other hand if we are respectful, calm, and responsible, we have every reason to expect that our children will be those things as well and that any conflict will be short term at most. So take heart and don’t get discouraged before you even start.

Unless we change the direction we are heading, we might end up where we are going.

Chinese Proverb

Way back one Christmas while I was still in junior high my aunt gave all of us homemade oatmeal facial scrub in pretty jars. Along with this came a book called Back to Basics by Alexandra York. Ms York gave detailed instructions for making all manner of skincare products from cleansing creams to toners to wrinkle concentrates and shampoos. Some of the exotic ingredients were off-putting and while I put to use some of the more basic recipes over the years, others remained mysterious.

Alice Cantrell recently posted about chemicals in our personal care products. Dr Mercola has written about these chemicals being detected in remote parts of the body. Sounds farfetched until you consider all the medications now being dispensed through the skin such as nicotine and contraceptive patches. I admit, the cheap in me had me thinking even further because it is not uncommon to pay $10, $20 and even $30 for an ounce or two of nutrient rich chemical free concoctions. And yet, here we are in the high desert where my skin threatens to become as parched as the clay underfoot. I needed something, preferably something neither deadly nor likely to cause me to take out a second mortgage.

The explosion of internet sales and soapmaking has opened new doors which previously had been closed. One can find anhydrous lanolin, beeswax, or glycerin (glycerin binds moisture from the air and holds it on the surface of the skin) with a few clicks of the mouse. I pulled the books out once more and began to experiment. Surprisingly Walmart proved to be a good resource. In the pharmacy I found witch hazel, glycerin and castor oil, ingredients in many recipes, for next to nothing. In the baking aisle they carry olive oil and coconut oil (plain- for $2/lb). Borax can be found in the laundry aisle. Encapsulated vitamins can be popped and added to the mixtures. Armed with those items many of the recipes could be easily assembled.

A few tips from the author:

Avoid soap. It is drying. Instead use cleansing creams – even something as simple as Crisco. Otherwise plain glycerin soap bar works well. An oat and yogurt mixture makes a gentle cleanser.

An abrasive substance such as ground oats, ground almonds, or even salt makes an excellent exfoliator.

Fruit acid peels? Try papaya. Fresh sliced papaya acts on the surface of the skin to remove dead skin cells.

Don’t use powdered cosmetics on aging skin. Any dry cosmetic like face powder, eye shadow etc will collect in tiny creases and make them more noticeable. Use a cream base.

Keep a ‘crinkle stick’ to refresh midday. Dab it near the eyes and mouth for an instant facelift. Younger or more oily complexions benefit from a misting of mineral water midday. Way better than more cosmetics.

The daily routine? Cleanse, tone, moisturize AM and PM. Scrub with abrasives weekly. Apply a facial or steam monthly.

It is also good to remember that good skin starts with dinner. You are what you eat. Getting adequate essential fatty acids is recommended to help your body regulate its own production. Imbalances can apparently present themselves as either under or overactive glands. Antioxidants applied to the surface are not as helpful as those digested. Consuming (mercury free!) fish, leafy greens and berries is more desirable. Diets heavy on transfats and low or nofat diets are detrimental to your complexion. Protein speeds cell repair.

Some recipes:

Simple Cleanser
grind oats finely
add plain yogurt to make a paste and soften the oats
keep in fridge.
You know how soothing oats are for Chicken Pox. Same concept. The addition of honey is suggested as well.

Cocoa Butter Cleansing Cream
1oz cocoa butter
1oz safflower oil
1oz almond oil
1oz rose water
1T beeswax
1/8tsp borax

melt wax, melt oils separately and drizzle into the wax beating constantly. Warm and mix borax and rose water and add to mixture. Beat til creamy and cool. makes 3oz. Refrigerate.

Toners:
witch hazel is the major ingredient in all of them and can be used alone or dilute with water. Oily formulas add alcohol. Drier complexions may like the addition of glycerin. This one is for normal skin-

Glycerin Rose Water Toner
4oz rose water
1oz glycerin
1oz witch hazel

Coconut Vitamin Protection Cream
1oz coconut extract
4T coconut oil
1/2 tsp Vit A and D oil (pierce capsules and add til you get the right amt)
2tsp cocoa butter
2tsp soy oil (I would use olive)
2 and 1/2tsp anhydrous lanolin
1/4 tsp borax (found mixed reviews about borax online)
1/2tsp liquid lecithin

<e;t lanolin over low heat. Warm other oils and beat into the lanolin. Dissolve borax and beat all together for 3min. Makes over 4oz.

If you can’t locate some of the ingredients I have found that mixing relatively inexpensive vegetable oils like coconut, olive, and safflower and adding the vitamins makes a very good moisturizer. Work a fine layer into the skin then rinse with very cold water to set. Pat dry with towel.

Liquid lecithin or beeswax are added to keep the mixtures suspended so as to prevent separation and give it some body. This is what we pay for at the store. It is like the natural peanut butter however. It is a really small thing to shake it up before use. Ditto the need for refrigeration of the more perishable recipes such as those with dairy products, honey etc. That makes it less convenient certainly, but then again it avoids the need for heavy duty preservatives.

One more – For an all over treat try making your own salt glow scrubs.

Okey doke. Enough fun for one day. : ) Better get a move on.

Best as I can figure it that is why Laura relates stories of red flannel jammies and knit mittens and not say, partially completed mitten with needles that come up missing having been employed as masts for bathtub ships. Or flannel jammie pattern pieces which morph into pirate scarves.

I will say our kids are delightful. They spend their days reading widely, running outdoors, playing music that takes your breath away. They leave endearing little notes to each other and to us. We have thought provoking discussions about politics, art, and theology. And Alice Cooper. But that’s another post. Indeed our days pass in relative bliss. Most of the time. That cooperative, undeniably awesome behavior is punctuated by the occasional incident so mind-numbingly stupid you wonder who spawned these creatures. We were visited by one of those on Saturday.

I woke up early and decided to tackle piecing Tess’ quilt. You remember don’t you? That would be the quilt the girls and I began for her before she was born? ; ) You weren’t holding your breath for those pics were you? (I move slowly with nonessential tasks) Anyway, I got the top pieced and the back and batting cut and pinned. I worked cautiously since my solitary goal was to have all my seams and corners in alignment. And so they were! Sandwiching all the layers evenly proved to be a challenge but we got there.

Brendan had joined me towards the end of that process. I moved between the dining room table and the kitchen getting him drinks and a diaper. I know what you are thinking but I kept zealous guard over that scissors. It never left my hands because well, I have a lot of boys. I didn’t fall off the turnip truck yesterday. No sir-ee. I was alert to the danger all around me. Or so I thought.

As the kids and their father trickled in for breakfast I happened to catch a glimpse of the quilt on the dining room table. GASP! Like imagine choking, sobbing, what in the name of all that is good were they thinkin?? GASP. One whole edge was shredded. While I peeled myself off the ceiling Dad turned to the kids. Brendan quickly solved the mystery for us. The up side was, somewhere in the recesses of the house, he had found the good pair of missing titanium sewing scissors and they were still sharp. The down side obviously being, he had found the good pair of missing titanium sewing scissors and, choke, they are still sharp. : (

I saw Genevieve quote Lissa Wiley today about patience and how some days that means holding on until this moment passes and is replaced by a nicer one. That is what I did. Took a shower. Lots of deep breaths. Tried to remember all the cute things he has ever done. Tried to remember I don’t get to take that quilt with me when I leave here anyway. Its just stuff. Today I work on disassembling the stitching and replacing the damaged blocks. It’s ok.

Just be careful what you pray for. God always answers prayers for increased patience with abundant opportunities to grow in that virtue!

You know how I know this? Not by looking outside, since we are covered in snow. No, I know we can mark this annual milestone because…. the nativity set is packed away again. Yep. This is one surefire way to make your house say “Springtime”. Get those Christmas decorations put away.

We are Catholic so we have some wiggle room. We can easily leave them up til the Epiphany. Some would say we could go the whole Christmas season through January. But, March? No way. Even I know that’s pushing it.
In my defense the decorations were boxed. They were boxed except for that aforementioned nativity set at any rate. They were boxed and waiting patiently on the covered porch for someone’s conscience to shame him or her into hauling them to the shed.

I was on a roll and headed in that direction many weeks ago when I realized I had tossed the tree box. Never do that. (that would be tip #2) You might not realize your grave and irreversible error until you return from the home improvement store with the largest plastic container they sell and size it up to those tree parts. I swear I heard my tree chuckle. Turns out you must purchase – and online only it seems – a ginormous tree bag. In your spare time. Geesh. So long story short – a short job dragged on and on but alas we are packed up for another year.

It occurred to me as this job morphed into a complicated enterprise that there was some merit to the perishable decorations of our forefathers. An article I read early in the season (the Christmas season that is) mentioned that most colonial and pioneer Christmas decorations were made of local greenery and natural items readily available like straw, fruit, nuts etc. They were recycled to birds and burned as fuel in their fireplace and thus – drumroll please – they did not store any of them from year to year.

That last line hit me like a ton of bricks. Peter Walsh was echoing in my head. It is causing me to rethink ‘easier’ and ‘more economical’ and what exactly fits both bills. My hunch is that storing multiple large boxes from year to year and saddling myself with packing/unpacking/moving/carrying/storing chores doesn’t. So while it is not Christmas and in fact Easter is knocking upon the door as I type, I am thinking about November and how we want to live in general. What makes for a festive atmosphere in any season? Not a grumpy overtaxed mom. That much is certain. Not an overtaxed budget. Not an overstuffed storage shed.

As Holy week unfolds I am focusing on projects that are precious and natural and yes, shortlived. Perhaps the fragile, transitory nature of these things is part of their appeal. Perhaps we will blow some eggs for an egg tree. We now have plenty of downed branches to employ. Perhaps we will make a braided Easter bread or Resurrection cookies. Maybe we won’t. But, mark my words, we will not be storing a whole lot. I am turning over a new leaf. A biodegradable leaf.

I love my kids’ friends. I love them about ten times more today than I did 48 hrs ago. That was before the tour of the state college campus in Denver yesterday. That was before my hope for mankind was shot to the gutter along with the sucker stick our tour guide had exhausted. Let me back up a bit.

Since Colin is transferring to Denver soon and we wanted to put eyes on the place finally we went up for the afternoon to take the tour. We assembled in the admin building with a dozen other potential students and their parents. I was already distracted by the young man in the black jacket embroidered with the sillouette of a naked girl standing WITH HIS MOTHER. (hello??) Before long we were greeted by a young woman with a red Mickey Mouse sucker hanging out of her mouth who introduced herself as Veronica. Evidently she was to be our tour guide.

We headed out of the building and entered the throng of denim-clad young adults clutching cigarettes and cell phones. Veronica marched us along at a pretty ambitious clip, seemingly oblivious to the effort this required of at least one older woman in our group. We worked even harder to keep up with her dialogue. This was no easy task given the lisp caused by her substantial tongue piercing. The hefty faux gemstone stud clicked against the lollipop rendering me totally unable to focus.

We saw all the hot spots – the childcare center for the students’ children, the pool, the theater, the housing complex (which had flyers at the door directing us to the fifty-cent beer joint) and the health clinic whose staff, the lovely Veronica assured us, were “really really nice.” The nurses are nice. The doctors are nice. The receptionists are nice. They are all just really REALLY nice. Whew. I can’t tell you how relieved I am. ; )

The tour ended rather abruptly at the Student Union where she spotted some friends. I noticed her later as she dropped down into a seat where friends of hers were dining and plopped her feet onto the table alongside their lunches. They didn’t appear to be terribly disturbed by this. Not sure if that says more about them or her. Or perhaps this is about my own inability to roll with the

ch-ch-ch-changes……

Admittedly I am appalled by so much of it. This is what the hallowed halls of state-run academia are churning out to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars? Everywhere we looked there were bodies sprawled upon lawns, benches, ledges. The alert among them were smoking. When did that become so widespread? I thought this generation had been thoroughly indoctrinated in Just Say No and DARE curricula? What was even more ironic were those among them who stopped us as we passed to see if we “had a minute for the environment”. I felt like saying darlin’ I just gave a year of my life for the environment. (which is now all resolved thanks be to God! thank you for your prayers) Besides if you put out that cigarette and ditched the fast food containers by your side YOU could do the environment a bigger favor than my signature would. But I digress.

I don’t get out much. I know this. I don’t think I am missing a whole lot however. The teens in my world are well-groomed, look me in the eye, and are adept at conversing with both babies and old people. And, I have never seen one of them with their lips candy-dyed red during a public speaking event. If this isn’t the real world than I am happy enough to reside in a civilized alternative reality.

Lest you think all I do is rant I have some practical links to share. The ever-wise Willa shared with me some lifeskills sites that we have enjoyed a great deal. Sometimes we take for granted that our kids know everything they need to know to be successful in the big world. Perhaps, judging by what we saw yesterday the bar is a lot lower than I estimated. I still think everyone would do well to have basic instruction in proper interpersonal communication, body language, phone and interview skills etc. We have used some of the charts and handouts on these sites as springboards for discussion. Some of these lists are for special-needs folks but really, the skills apply across the board. A google search for life skills checklists pulls up even more.

A Wise Woman posted a link to this list today. How did you fare? Me? Room for improvement as always!

I was just reading a similar letter about humility:

Humility is not the trait of thinking of self as being of less worth. Humility is not thinking of self at all, whether good or bad. Humility is thinking of others and seeking their advancement. For you to be thinking about your condition and trying to be humble is pride itself, for it is valuing yourself above others, that is, measuring yourself against what you perceive they are thinking about you. Stop considering your humility and use your energies and confidence to help others.
There is nothing wrong with doing something well and knowing it—like music, art, sports, etc. Pride would be to use your successes to put others down and make them feel of less worth. It is fine to say, “I am the best violin player in the orchestra,”—if it is well known to be the case; but then you should use your skill and influence to raise the skill level of others and to encourage them. Then, if one of the others should surpass your skill, true humility would acknowledge that you are now second best, and you would rejoice in their abilities while continuing to improve yourself.

Bad-mouthing anyone, either yourself or others, is pride. Lifting everyone up―others first and then yourself―is true humility. But then, the truly humble person usually does not know he is humble, nor does he care. To strive for humility and believe you have reached it is to arrive at pride. To strive for humility and not reach it is to wallow in self-pity and condemnation, which is just another expression of pride.

Pursuing humility is like pursuing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It moves when you move and can never be attained. If one did pursue humility and actually attain it, it would be because he had forgotten his own personal aspirations while serving others, and he would be unaware of having achieved humility. Wow, this is rather philosophical for a ninth grader. Hope you can understand it. I must say, you caught my interest. With tongue in cheek, I say, “Let me know when you get to be humble.”
Your friend, Michael Pearl

That was the theme song of my husband’s junior prom some twenty-FIVE years ago. 25. Two-five. Our kids think we are old as dirt. Doesn’t bother me too much. There are a lot of things I want to be. Sixteen isn’t one of them.

I was thinking about that dance this weekend as we set off for dh’s corporate gala shindig. How things change. How things stay the same.

That was us in the gym of a high school in a town of 5000. These are the crepe paper flowers and someone’s garden swing that look oh so lifelike – yes? The decorations were awful but the feelings were sincere- sincere enough to blossom into a third decade of marriage; sincere enough to embrace a family of eleven and carry us around the world and back; sincere enough to weather the storms of growing up together (which let me tell you, is not for the faint of heart)

I would not trade time for where we stand today. I might give back a few wrinkles and a few gray hairs which threaten to escape now and then… Nothing more though. Nothing.

I picked a truly must read book this week and actually spent money for it. This one will be required reading for my girls in time. It is Sharon Jaynes’ The Power of a A Woman’s Words. She begins by pointing out that all of creation came to be because of the spoken word (And God said….) and goes on to show how by our speech we have the ability to hurt or heal, inspire or devastate.

Everyday we must choose whether we will “invest our words wisely or squander them foolishly. Will we use them to build others’ up or tear them down?” She reminds us that our words have the ability to change the course of a day…to change the course of a life. These changes depend upon the decisions we make moment by moment.

There is no shortage of words in our day, certainly not in cyberspace. I know I have made a hefty contribution to that total. : o I also know that “in the multitude of words there wanteth not sin.” Therefore I am working on which ones I use – moment by moment because….

You are going to meet an old lady someday. Down the road, ten, twenty, thirty years;
she’s waiting for you. You will catch up to her. What kind of old lady are you going to
meet?
That is a rather significant question. She may be a seasoned, soft and gracious lady. A
lady who has grown old gracefully, surrounded by a host of friends – friends who call her
blessed because of what her life has meant to them. She may be a bitter, disillusioned,
dried-up, cynical old buzzard, without a good word for anyone or anything – soured,
friendless, alone. The kind of old lady you will meet will depend entirely upon you.
She will be exactly what you make of her, nothing more, and nothing less. It is up to you.
You will have no one else to credit or blame. Every day, in every way, you are becoming
more and more like that old lady. Amazing but true. You are getting to look more like
her, think more like her and talk more life her. You are becoming her. If you live only in
terms of what you are getting out of life, the old lady gets smaller, drier, harder, crabbier,
more self-centered. Open your life to others, think in terms of what you can give and your
contribution to life, and the old lady grows larger, softer, kinder, and greater.
These little things, seemingly so unimportant not – attitudes, goals, ambitions, desires –
are adding up inside, where you cannot see them, crystallizing in your heart and mind.
The point is these things don’t always show up immediately. But they will – sooner than
you think. Some day they will harden into that old lady; nothing will be able to soften or
change them then.
The time to take care of that old lady is right now, today. Examine your motive, attitudes,
and goals. Chuck up on her. Work her over now while she is still pliable, still in a
formative condition. The day when it is too late comes swiftly. The hardness sets in,
worse than paralysis. Character crystallizes, sets, and gels. Any wise businessperson
takes an inventory regularly. Merchandise is not half as important as the person. You had
better take a bit of a personal inventory too. Then you will be much more likely to meet a
lovely, gracious old lady at the proper time.

– anonymous

You can find more articles by Jaynes at her website.

I get so disgusted with my fellow man sometimes. Honest to gosh, there is no end to spin it seems. Anything good, pure, holy even, is open to dissection and analysis. Dollars to donuts it will end up with a diagnosis. I followed Elizabeth’s link to Melanie’s awesome post. It was borne out of her own disgust over “experts” diagnosing Angelina Jolie’s mothering. She couldn’t just, say, enjoy being a parent and making a difference in someone’ life. That just isn’t normal after all. It must have an “osis” attached to it. Shoot, since I have twice as many children as Jolie I shudder to think how many letters I would get assigned. (say nothing! ; ))

The overarching theme to the ‘expert’ quotes is that it is imperative that we ‘meet our needs’ ‘attend to our wellness’ and ‘face our inner world’. I would submit that the opposite is true. There is a REALLY fine line between focus and fixation. One tends to lead steadily into the other. The inverse relationship here is that the more we fix our attention outside ourselves the weaker the grip self has over us.

I have seen a lot of women in therapy over the years – increasing numbers as the years go by. That makes sense given the popular opinion about such things. If you believe you ‘must’ address your needs and your pain then you are in a world of hurt if you linger on this planet into your third, fourth, fifth decade or more. You inevitably run into other flawed people with whom you inevitably have less than perfect interaction. These little pains add up. Sometimes they snowball into big whoppers. What the hey are you supposed to do about them? I will say I have NEVER seen anyone feel better by attempting to fix them nor by forcing all those other flawed human beings to wallow in the muck with them. In fact, they generally become so demoralized and overwhelmed by the sadness which is now foremost in their minds that there is no escape.

An others-centered life is a much safer bet in my opinion. It provides necessary perspective and, if nothing else, it wears you out enough that you just don’t care so much about the little stuff anymore. I would submit secondly that if your focus is on service then your own ‘druthers shrink til they just don’t have the same hold over you which they gain if you give them fuel. St Francis apparently had the same idea:

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life

But I guess he wasn’t addressing his issues either. ; )

Father Lasance quotes a lovely passage attributed to “Russell – The Art of Being Happy“

“There is a word which cannot be said too often enough to every Christian whom God has destined to live, converse, and labor in the society of his fellow-creatures: Be Indulgent.

Yes, be indulgent; it is necessary for your own sake.”

Are you paying attention because this is where it gets interesting….

“Forget the little troubles that others may cause you; keep up no resentment for the inconsiderate or unfavorable words that may have been said about you; excuse the mistakes and awkward blunders of which you are the victim; always make out good intentions for those who have done you wrong by imprudent acts or speeches; in a word, smile at everything, show a pleasant face on all occasions, maintain an inexhaustible fund of goodness, patience, and gentleness. Thus you will be at peace with all your brethren; your love for them will suffer no alteration, and their love for you will increase day by day. But above all, you will practice in an excellent manner Christian charity, which is impossible without this toleration and indulgence at every instant.

This is for our sake as much as it is to bless our fellow man. No matter what the overeducated experts claim, love and forgiveness are not ‘fixed pies’. They multiply like the loaves and fishes and the more mercy we extend to others and the more we give, the better life becomes not only for them but for ourselves. There is an unparalleled satisfaction that comes from making other people happy. It is not to be found elsewhere.

Desperately clinging to our ‘issues’ is a good way to never be free of them. Let them go. Look to the cross. Someone has already carried that load for you.