Just a little admin note here. I have been under the weather and am not 100% on top of personal mail so some of my replies are ending up as post content for the sake of time and to be sure I am not missing anything.

I wanted to say that I write out of what happens here at home. If there are a number of personal conversations that begin to follow a common train of thought, I write about it. I write about whatever it is I am thinking about at a given moment because I like to think out loud. : ) This week’s entries were born out of such personal conversations and questions from moms just beginning their homeschool journey about why we made certain choices. I have no other agenda.

A very insightful letter came this morning from a woman who shared her opinion that unschooling tends to work best in families with gifted children and/or who have a particularly strong internal discipline. Further, she asserted that large and growing families, particularly those favored with many boys and/or special needs have unique challenges that make this method less workable. I think she nailed it.

I have been the one and now the other. We were once a small family with an academically gifted child and we relied heavily on strewing and spontaneity. Then we moved. Thirteen times. Then we had children. A lot of them, about every 24 mo, some of whom struggled with the academics that came so easily to their older siblings. Then we had surgeries. As many as both of those together and while those other things were happening. A more cohesive, concentrated effort was required to meet the needs of all. We adapted.

As a Christian wife and mother I also believe that it is imperative that we carefully consider and honor our husband’s vision for his children. There is a real risk that mom becomes thoroughly absorbed with online or real life support groups, discussion groups, etc and can be carried far from her husband’s goals for her home. She can become convinced that he really isn’t as well-informed as she, that he in fact is narrow minded on the subject, that it would even be detrimental to the children’s wellbeing for her to follow his lead. Not that I ever fell prey to this train of thought……

Be careful. Nothing you read here or anyplace else should ever supercede his input. As Cindy from Dominion Family so aptly put it, it was Eve who was first deceived. Dads, imo, are the ones whom God directs for the family. So even without the benefit of daunting hours on the internet they probably do know best. Trust them.

For that reason, your homeschool may not – and possibly SHOULD not – look like ours. You don’t have our children and we don’t have yours. We are discerning for ours. We did not get direction for yours. : ) I share our experiences in case you find parallels. Do not feel I am implying that mine is the one right way.

On that note, my little people are now assembled and hungry. We have a Pinewood Derby car to assemble this morning and a novel to finish. Big stuff. : ) I hope your day is as delightful as ours promises to be! God bless.

I grew up with a single mother in the 70s. Those of you who shared such a childhood probably remember the t-shirts. You know the ones that said things like, “A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.” or “If you love someone let them go…” Many such sentiments of the era were conveniently summed up into a few lines preserved for posterity on cheap cotton. One such maxim was “Question Authority.”

Now don’t get me wrong. Some of those phrases were not only catchy but I actually concur with a few. Take this last one. If it translates into “Be wary of your elected officials, since they may be more concerned with their career than your best interest,” I am there. If it translates into, “Your own opinion is is law,” I am not on board anymore. I do believe there are absolutes and that obeying them is paramount to our success in life. It is a paradox that true liberty is found in obedience. We are then no longer slaves to our whims.

Obedience today is often referred to with scorn, whether it is overt or whether disobedience is cleverly disguised as virtue. Many children and adults alike hold this foundational trait in low esteem. It is sometimes pondered whether it is of any value to obey if one does not deep down wish to do the task being called for. It is implied that obedience somehow requires less from us than other impetus for action.

I would argue that it is always more virtuous to obey particularly when we do not feel immediately gratified for doing so. In our faith we call that selflessness. We consider that to be one of the ultimate proofs of selfdiscipline. Anyone can persevere when it is pleasant or when they are fulfilling their own desires. Few are they today who have developed the stamina and determination to perform as well for an outside cause. This is unfortunate for the individual because he is left to the mercilessly changeable tides of pleasure versus the lasting satisfaction gained from harnessing the will.

There is nothing so disobedient as an undisciplined mind, and there is nothing so obedient as a disciplined mind.
Buddha

It is thy duty oftentimes to do what thou wouldst not; thy duty to leave undone what thou wouldst do.
Thomas a Kempis

As an adult I have found, as most of us do, that much of my day is spent doing things I would probably not have listed as personally motivating if left to myself. Indeed our happiness seems to hinge upon how we react to this reality. Do we balk? Are we resentful? Or are we peaceful, trusting that each act of sacrifice can be offered as a gift to Our Lord and those around us? Do we see obedience as inferior to our own volition? Is obedience,in fact, a critical virtue or rather just a mindless, lower form of behavior? Our feelings about this subject will determine how our children are raised and how we ourselves behave.

A great work is made out of a combination of obedience and liberty.
-Nadia Boulanger

We need a balance between liberty and obedience or we risk becoming arrogant. Scripture praises the teachable spirit. One can only possess teachability when one is humble and acknowledges that he can benefit from the wisdom of others. How to become humble? Br Ignatius Mary tells us that, “In St Benedict’s 12 Steps to Humility, the very first step is obedience. Obedience can be possible without love, but love cannot exist without obedience. Obedience is the foundation from which all other virtues are built.” Jesus Himself said that He came not to do His own will but that of His Father. He did not pursue His own agenda. Yet so often we presume that it is necessarily better for us to do so.

So yes, I do believe it is a great virtue for children to do their tasks out of obedience even if they do not always feel personally motivated. I would say the child who can do so with a happy heart is well on his way to mastering himself. Having done that, I can imagine very little that he cannot then do. Obedience does not weaken his will, it harnesses it and puts it completely within his command. It ensures that he is not driven by desire but that his actions are guided by higher principles. It inspires little exchanges like the one I overheard in the kitchen the other night when our newly 6yo, while unloading the dishwasher, explained that he was not just doing dishes but that he was putting “Hands to work, and hearts to God.” That’s what it is all about after all. We do all (obeying too) for the glory of God which is always a much better motivation than personal preference.

I know the power obedience has of making things easy which seem impossible.
Saint Teresa

To clarify – what I don’t mean to imply is that you must rule with an iron fist nor that there is not room for collaboration. Within a framework designed by the parents the students are free to make daily choices. (see Montessori here) Would they like to spend another week further exploring ancient Greece? Great. They are not free to pass over the Industrial Revolution entirely however because it seems ‘boring’. We are there to encourage, but also to provide balance.

Do they feel like starting with math or composition? That choice can happen. They are not free to declare that math is not compatible with their long term plans therefore they choose not to do it. What we have found is that the novel that began with a rough start often becomes a favorite several chapters later. Subjects that once held no appeal become quite enjoyable when the student begins to master them. Children (and adults!) often confuse boredom or dislike with frustration and lack of comprehension. Once the subject is better known to them and they experience regular success it is no longer drudgery and often becomes a favorite.

Case in point is one of our daughters and her piano lessons. Piano is a given at our house. We have a lovely teacher and a wonderful instrument. We had one child who was struggling however and begged to quit. Our policy is that they should continue with lessons at least through the jr high years, which will send them into the world proficient. We were more than reluctant to have her quit, but her arguments were compelling and we wondered if she didn’t just indeed lack the aptitude as she insisted. Our instructor asked us to persevere with this student and to practice MORE and not less as one would perhaps have been inclined to do. It worked beautifully. We came up alongside her, provided lots more support and now she often works to finish her other subjects so she can get to the piano.

Our children need not be chained to a cheerless desk. I have taught phonics to busy bodies hanging upside down off the couch. I have seen those little people later practice reading aloud to older siblings while they work a handcraft. They paint, they are surrounded by classical and contemporary music, they spend enormous amounts of time outdoors. They are able to do this when their studies and their environment are well ordered. Their responsibilities can be met easily and pleasantly, thus enabling them to have large sections of their day to call their own.

Our position is that doors should not be shut to them because they have not been adequately prepared nor shortsighted. We are obligated, imo, to see to that. Should they elect not to walk through those doors that is a viable option. They should not be forced to make that choice by default however because of childish indiscretion.

We have worked with colleges in different states and the military system. Reality is, except for the extremely rare Ivy League school, most colleges are very black and white about prereq’s. They just want to see so many years of lab science to include chemistry, three yrs of higher math with Alg II, 2 yrs of foreign language and so on. The military recruiter needs a very standard transcript as well. It is a disservice to mislead our children about these realities. While you can experiment with alternative daily schedules and choice of texts, bottom line is this content and these study skills are what will be required for many walks of life. Like I said, that may not end up being their walk. That should always be a choice truly made of their own volition and not because they lacked the education to pursue them.

I wish I could have included the private mail I have received. I can say with certainty there are few students who regret the knowledge they have gained. Usually if there is a complaint it was over methodology or teacher personality and not content and those are easily remedied. There ARE many who become regretful and even resentful over their limited life options when they have not been prepared properly. The argument is that one could make up for that lack when one becomes sufficiently motived. However, we never, ever have the same quantity, nor quality, of time as adults that we have as children to do this. Additionally, even if one is properly motivated, the study skills and other habits that would enable a person to forge ahead in an accelerated manner are not generally available on demand. They take consistent effort over a long period of time to develop. They are gained only at a great price when acquired later in life. I speak from experience here.

So, my assertion is that education can and should be pleasant, collaborative, and thorough. It can be all those things and well-ordered at once. We need not choose between happy or well prepared children. They can be both! My position is that the success they experience by the development of good habits, study skills, and mastery of subject content breeds far more contentment and satisfaction than 100% self-direction ever could.

We have thoroughly enjoyed reading The Door in the Wall together these past weeks. I have selected some lines for the children to make into notebook pages as keepsakes, words which I hope resonate with them as they have with me. Yesterday’s page* is one example:

This sums up my feeling about education and life in general. It has made me reflect upon the growing sentiment in homeschool circles about unschooling and child-initiated learning. Having both babies and adult children has afforded me perspective about this that I could not have imagined when we began this journey. No longer is educational theory simply an abstract, intellectual pasttime. It is a reality. One that has consequences in young people’s lives.

Early on, my foremost goal was delight. I envisioned a family united in a common endeavor. In all the literature I came across it seemed to be assumed that the one way to ensure that cooperative spirit was to follow the children’s lead at all times and to avoid coercion like the plague. My military officer husband was always more than a bit skeptical. He had experienced tremendous success with a completely contrary method and remained unconvinced that left to one’s one devices the formation of that level of discipline was likely. He had a different understanding of what constituted true satisfaction and happiness. It wasn’t ease.

Over time we have watched families of all different ideologies move from early childhood through puberty and on to launching adults into the world. What I have seen of many who proclaim the virtues of non-coercive methods is ironically a subtle, often mutual, disrespect and lethargy as time goes on. This seems particularly so when the children involved were male. Men seem to have an innate sense of authority and order. They can detect when it is lacking and this seems to breed contempt, versus that overwhelming gratitude many moms hope for when they, in all sincerity, allow the children to call the shots. For those with more compliant children there was less contempt, yet many entered adult life lacking skills, organizational and otherwise, that would have greatly benefitted them well when faced with the challenges of marriage and career life.

The reality of SATs and the level of proficiency required to achieve personal goals has also factored into our methods. The truth is, you cannot make up many years of higher math in a semester or two no matter how motivated you may be. You may own your regret, to be sure (and there is some merit to that), but in the language subjects – math, music, language – there is no replacement for years of steady, consistent effort.

It is the rare child who is able to sense the need for such sustained effort. They have not lived long enough to experience (and witness in others) an abundance of rewards and consequences. They are, well, childish. That is why they got parents. This is not to say we have carte blanche to enforce their education by brutal means. Mercy and gentle guidance are hallmarks of our faith. It is possible to plant in our children’s hearts some seeds of understanding and to ensure their cooperation, although we may not have their complete comprehension until they are much, much older.

Literature is one tool we have used. We read together regularly and discuss the merits and pitfalls we see in the characters decisions. We cheer when we see our heroes overcome adversity through sheer strength of will. We sadly acknowledge the poor choices of others. We remind each other of these when our own determination waivers.

We agree with the discouraged student that they may never use their algebra formulas in ‘real life’. However, there will be countless occasions when they will need to solve difficult problems. They may never speak latin to another living soul. They may need to dissect an argument down to its core meanings however, for which the skills learned in their studies will serve them well.

The world may tell them to ‘Follow Your Bliss’. We promise them that it is more virtuous to learn to face distasteful tasks with good cheer, thus developing their own blissful nature in any circumstance in which they may find themselves. The academic skills they hone today may not translate literally but they will definitely be applied across the board into many real life situations for which there is no substitute for resolute determination. So, yes, there is a reason and they will, indeed, thank you later.

We have rejected the notion that our children will thrive without some outside motivation. In fact we, as well as many of our peers, have grown children who now say, “I wish you wouldn’t have let me quit ____. I wish you would have insisted I ____.” They realize now they did not have the inner fortitude to push on by themselves and would have liked to have relied upon the backbone of others when their own failed them. They have come to realize that there is only one sure route to satisfaction and that is the road traversed with no small amount of effort.

I would not say we have overwhelming regrets. We do have different perspective today. We have seen that sweat equity early on pays dividends to our children later. We recognize that nothing breeds success like success. There is no better motivator! We therefore have the confidence to unapologetically set up an outside framework, to insist upon certain standards of excellence, to shoot for predetermined levels of proficiency, and to assure them that the harder it is to do something, the more comfortable we feel after we have done it. We run this academic race as if to win – together.

*Brother Luke encouraged Robin, the paralyzed boy, to brave the elements and swim in the river daily as therapy. Later, when the castle is besieged Robin is able to slip out of the grounds, cross the icy river and propel himself on crutches to get help.