I love my kids’ friends. I love them about ten times more today than I did 48 hrs ago. That was before the tour of the state college campus in Denver yesterday. That was before my hope for mankind was shot to the gutter along with the sucker stick our tour guide had exhausted. Let me back up a bit.

Since Colin is transferring to Denver soon and we wanted to put eyes on the place finally we went up for the afternoon to take the tour. We assembled in the admin building with a dozen other potential students and their parents. I was already distracted by the young man in the black jacket embroidered with the sillouette of a naked girl standing WITH HIS MOTHER. (hello??) Before long we were greeted by a young woman with a red Mickey Mouse sucker hanging out of her mouth who introduced herself as Veronica. Evidently she was to be our tour guide.

We headed out of the building and entered the throng of denim-clad young adults clutching cigarettes and cell phones. Veronica marched us along at a pretty ambitious clip, seemingly oblivious to the effort this required of at least one older woman in our group. We worked even harder to keep up with her dialogue. This was no easy task given the lisp caused by her substantial tongue piercing. The hefty faux gemstone stud clicked against the lollipop rendering me totally unable to focus.

We saw all the hot spots – the childcare center for the students’ children, the pool, the theater, the housing complex (which had flyers at the door directing us to the fifty-cent beer joint) and the health clinic whose staff, the lovely Veronica assured us, were “really really nice.” The nurses are nice. The doctors are nice. The receptionists are nice. They are all just really REALLY nice. Whew. I can’t tell you how relieved I am. ; )

The tour ended rather abruptly at the Student Union where she spotted some friends. I noticed her later as she dropped down into a seat where friends of hers were dining and plopped her feet onto the table alongside their lunches. They didn’t appear to be terribly disturbed by this. Not sure if that says more about them or her. Or perhaps this is about my own inability to roll with the

ch-ch-ch-changes……

Admittedly I am appalled by so much of it. This is what the hallowed halls of state-run academia are churning out to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars? Everywhere we looked there were bodies sprawled upon lawns, benches, ledges. The alert among them were smoking. When did that become so widespread? I thought this generation had been thoroughly indoctrinated in Just Say No and DARE curricula? What was even more ironic were those among them who stopped us as we passed to see if we “had a minute for the environment”. I felt like saying darlin’ I just gave a year of my life for the environment. (which is now all resolved thanks be to God! thank you for your prayers) Besides if you put out that cigarette and ditched the fast food containers by your side YOU could do the environment a bigger favor than my signature would. But I digress.

I don’t get out much. I know this. I don’t think I am missing a whole lot however. The teens in my world are well-groomed, look me in the eye, and are adept at conversing with both babies and old people. And, I have never seen one of them with their lips candy-dyed red during a public speaking event. If this isn’t the real world than I am happy enough to reside in a civilized alternative reality.

Lest you think all I do is rant I have some practical links to share. The ever-wise Willa shared with me some lifeskills sites that we have enjoyed a great deal. Sometimes we take for granted that our kids know everything they need to know to be successful in the big world. Perhaps, judging by what we saw yesterday the bar is a lot lower than I estimated. I still think everyone would do well to have basic instruction in proper interpersonal communication, body language, phone and interview skills etc. We have used some of the charts and handouts on these sites as springboards for discussion. Some of these lists are for special-needs folks but really, the skills apply across the board. A google search for life skills checklists pulls up even more.

A Wise Woman posted a link to this list today. How did you fare? Me? Room for improvement as always!

I was just reading a similar letter about humility:

Humility is not the trait of thinking of self as being of less worth. Humility is not thinking of self at all, whether good or bad. Humility is thinking of others and seeking their advancement. For you to be thinking about your condition and trying to be humble is pride itself, for it is valuing yourself above others, that is, measuring yourself against what you perceive they are thinking about you. Stop considering your humility and use your energies and confidence to help others.
There is nothing wrong with doing something well and knowing it—like music, art, sports, etc. Pride would be to use your successes to put others down and make them feel of less worth. It is fine to say, “I am the best violin player in the orchestra,”—if it is well known to be the case; but then you should use your skill and influence to raise the skill level of others and to encourage them. Then, if one of the others should surpass your skill, true humility would acknowledge that you are now second best, and you would rejoice in their abilities while continuing to improve yourself.

Bad-mouthing anyone, either yourself or others, is pride. Lifting everyone up―others first and then yourself―is true humility. But then, the truly humble person usually does not know he is humble, nor does he care. To strive for humility and believe you have reached it is to arrive at pride. To strive for humility and not reach it is to wallow in self-pity and condemnation, which is just another expression of pride.

Pursuing humility is like pursuing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It moves when you move and can never be attained. If one did pursue humility and actually attain it, it would be because he had forgotten his own personal aspirations while serving others, and he would be unaware of having achieved humility. Wow, this is rather philosophical for a ninth grader. Hope you can understand it. I must say, you caught my interest. With tongue in cheek, I say, “Let me know when you get to be humble.”
Your friend, Michael Pearl

That was the theme song of my husband’s junior prom some twenty-FIVE years ago. 25. Two-five. Our kids think we are old as dirt. Doesn’t bother me too much. There are a lot of things I want to be. Sixteen isn’t one of them.

I was thinking about that dance this weekend as we set off for dh’s corporate gala shindig. How things change. How things stay the same.

That was us in the gym of a high school in a town of 5000. These are the crepe paper flowers and someone’s garden swing that look oh so lifelike – yes? The decorations were awful but the feelings were sincere- sincere enough to blossom into a third decade of marriage; sincere enough to embrace a family of eleven and carry us around the world and back; sincere enough to weather the storms of growing up together (which let me tell you, is not for the faint of heart)

I would not trade time for where we stand today. I might give back a few wrinkles and a few gray hairs which threaten to escape now and then… Nothing more though. Nothing.

I picked a truly must read book this week and actually spent money for it. This one will be required reading for my girls in time. It is Sharon Jaynes’ The Power of a A Woman’s Words. She begins by pointing out that all of creation came to be because of the spoken word (And God said….) and goes on to show how by our speech we have the ability to hurt or heal, inspire or devastate.

Everyday we must choose whether we will “invest our words wisely or squander them foolishly. Will we use them to build others’ up or tear them down?” She reminds us that our words have the ability to change the course of a day…to change the course of a life. These changes depend upon the decisions we make moment by moment.

There is no shortage of words in our day, certainly not in cyberspace. I know I have made a hefty contribution to that total. : o I also know that “in the multitude of words there wanteth not sin.” Therefore I am working on which ones I use – moment by moment because….

You are going to meet an old lady someday. Down the road, ten, twenty, thirty years;
she’s waiting for you. You will catch up to her. What kind of old lady are you going to
meet?
That is a rather significant question. She may be a seasoned, soft and gracious lady. A
lady who has grown old gracefully, surrounded by a host of friends – friends who call her
blessed because of what her life has meant to them. She may be a bitter, disillusioned,
dried-up, cynical old buzzard, without a good word for anyone or anything – soured,
friendless, alone. The kind of old lady you will meet will depend entirely upon you.
She will be exactly what you make of her, nothing more, and nothing less. It is up to you.
You will have no one else to credit or blame. Every day, in every way, you are becoming
more and more like that old lady. Amazing but true. You are getting to look more like
her, think more like her and talk more life her. You are becoming her. If you live only in
terms of what you are getting out of life, the old lady gets smaller, drier, harder, crabbier,
more self-centered. Open your life to others, think in terms of what you can give and your
contribution to life, and the old lady grows larger, softer, kinder, and greater.
These little things, seemingly so unimportant not – attitudes, goals, ambitions, desires –
are adding up inside, where you cannot see them, crystallizing in your heart and mind.
The point is these things don’t always show up immediately. But they will – sooner than
you think. Some day they will harden into that old lady; nothing will be able to soften or
change them then.
The time to take care of that old lady is right now, today. Examine your motive, attitudes,
and goals. Chuck up on her. Work her over now while she is still pliable, still in a
formative condition. The day when it is too late comes swiftly. The hardness sets in,
worse than paralysis. Character crystallizes, sets, and gels. Any wise businessperson
takes an inventory regularly. Merchandise is not half as important as the person. You had
better take a bit of a personal inventory too. Then you will be much more likely to meet a
lovely, gracious old lady at the proper time.

– anonymous

You can find more articles by Jaynes at her website.

I get so disgusted with my fellow man sometimes. Honest to gosh, there is no end to spin it seems. Anything good, pure, holy even, is open to dissection and analysis. Dollars to donuts it will end up with a diagnosis. I followed Elizabeth’s link to Melanie’s awesome post. It was borne out of her own disgust over “experts” diagnosing Angelina Jolie’s mothering. She couldn’t just, say, enjoy being a parent and making a difference in someone’ life. That just isn’t normal after all. It must have an “osis” attached to it. Shoot, since I have twice as many children as Jolie I shudder to think how many letters I would get assigned. (say nothing! ; ))

The overarching theme to the ‘expert’ quotes is that it is imperative that we ‘meet our needs’ ‘attend to our wellness’ and ‘face our inner world’. I would submit that the opposite is true. There is a REALLY fine line between focus and fixation. One tends to lead steadily into the other. The inverse relationship here is that the more we fix our attention outside ourselves the weaker the grip self has over us.

I have seen a lot of women in therapy over the years – increasing numbers as the years go by. That makes sense given the popular opinion about such things. If you believe you ‘must’ address your needs and your pain then you are in a world of hurt if you linger on this planet into your third, fourth, fifth decade or more. You inevitably run into other flawed people with whom you inevitably have less than perfect interaction. These little pains add up. Sometimes they snowball into big whoppers. What the hey are you supposed to do about them? I will say I have NEVER seen anyone feel better by attempting to fix them nor by forcing all those other flawed human beings to wallow in the muck with them. In fact, they generally become so demoralized and overwhelmed by the sadness which is now foremost in their minds that there is no escape.

An others-centered life is a much safer bet in my opinion. It provides necessary perspective and, if nothing else, it wears you out enough that you just don’t care so much about the little stuff anymore. I would submit secondly that if your focus is on service then your own ‘druthers shrink til they just don’t have the same hold over you which they gain if you give them fuel. St Francis apparently had the same idea:

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life

But I guess he wasn’t addressing his issues either. ; )

Father Lasance quotes a lovely passage attributed to “Russell – The Art of Being Happy“

“There is a word which cannot be said too often enough to every Christian whom God has destined to live, converse, and labor in the society of his fellow-creatures: Be Indulgent.

Yes, be indulgent; it is necessary for your own sake.”

Are you paying attention because this is where it gets interesting….

“Forget the little troubles that others may cause you; keep up no resentment for the inconsiderate or unfavorable words that may have been said about you; excuse the mistakes and awkward blunders of which you are the victim; always make out good intentions for those who have done you wrong by imprudent acts or speeches; in a word, smile at everything, show a pleasant face on all occasions, maintain an inexhaustible fund of goodness, patience, and gentleness. Thus you will be at peace with all your brethren; your love for them will suffer no alteration, and their love for you will increase day by day. But above all, you will practice in an excellent manner Christian charity, which is impossible without this toleration and indulgence at every instant.

This is for our sake as much as it is to bless our fellow man. No matter what the overeducated experts claim, love and forgiveness are not ‘fixed pies’. They multiply like the loaves and fishes and the more mercy we extend to others and the more we give, the better life becomes not only for them but for ourselves. There is an unparalleled satisfaction that comes from making other people happy. It is not to be found elsewhere.

Desperately clinging to our ‘issues’ is a good way to never be free of them. Let them go. Look to the cross. Someone has already carried that load for you.